In a series of recent posts New York based Mistress Darcy explained that she was a Pro Domme and not a Pro Top and therefore what happened in a session was entirely down to her not to the submissive client. While, in the complex lexicography of BDSM, this distinction may be accurate it isn’t, in my view, helpful or constructive…
If you allow your client to dictate the session, you are a Pro Top. No shame in that, but let's get the names straight.
— Darcy (@MyDearDarcy) January 18, 2016
Firstly no professionals advertising their services on the web describe themselves as a Pro Top. Mistresses, Dominas, Madames, and Goddesses are all widely available in a profusion of leather and whips but Tops? Not a one. So to advocate that a submissive wanting a measure of input into a session should look for a pro Top rather than a pro Domme doesn’t really help.
Clearly we are all different and there are no doubt submissives out there whose only desire is to please a Mistress, regardless of what she wants. However I suspect even they have limits, have things they just don’t want to do on a particular day, or have things they have always wanted to try and would like to request if only they were permitted to do so.
My view is pretty diametrically opposed to Mistress Darcy’s and perhaps to other Dommes of the “lick my boots, you worthless slave” variety. So one day this may land me in a spot of bother. However…
I believe that to be successful our relationship has to work on two levels:
- I am the submissive – She is the dominant
- I am the client – She is the service provider
Before and after the session I am the client paying over my hard earned cash (often lots of it) in the expectation that I will be provided a service designed around my particular needs. Those needs may be the severest forms of physical and verbal abuse or they may be a bit of tie and tease. If the provider doesn’t want to provide the particular service that I am looking for, and that is a perfectly reasonable decision for her to make, then she should respectfully decline to meet me.
@MyDearDarcy I usually tell them if they want to tell someone what to do they should book a submissive 🙂
— Julie Simone (@juliesimone7) January 18, 2016
Once we are in the session, even though my role is now that of the submissive, I expect her to understand what turns me on or turns me off; I expect her to understand and respect my limits; I expect her to understand my responses to what she is doing and adjust the session accordingly. With that understanding comes trust and the more I trust the mistress, the more I will relax into the session and let her explore my limits; even push me past them. I will let her introduce me to new and challenging experiences. I will eventually move from ‘following her commands’ to true submission and at that point, and only at that point, will fully be hers.
Once this point has been reached our sessions will develop over time, becoming deeper and more intense. The sub/domme and client/service provider distinctions will become unimportant, eventually being replaced by a strong sense of mutual understanding and enjoyment of each other’s kinky make-up.
Unless a Mistress is willing to understand and respond to my needs and desires she is just a woman in leather hitting me. And that isn’t sexy at all.