By | 6th March 2016

I write this the day before my first meeting with Mistress Darcy. It’s a lazy New York Sunday morning. Great coffee in a boutique coffee shop followed by a Jazz brunch. Central Park later.

Mistress Darcy tweeted a while ago that her submissives should not expect to have input to her sessions. She, as the domme, is always in control. I responded quite strongly in a blog saying that, as the client, I expected to be allowed to have some input into the session I am paying for. Mistress Darcy came back to me with good grace and with intelligent argument. One of the things she said was that what she offered was ‘domination’, NOT a ‘domination fantasy’.

So here I am waiting to hand myself over to her for two hours and I am nervous. More than nervous. I am actually scared. Not scared of her pain, though I can certainly feel the delicious anticipation that always precedes a BDSM session. I have over twenty years of playing with pain and if it’s too much there is always the safe word.

I realise that what scares me about this session is submission. I’ve grovelled on plenty of dungeon floors and licked my share of shoes. I’ve done this not because I felt inferior to the mistress, or have in any meaningful sense, submitted to her, but because it was expected. I wanted to avoid interrupting the vibe of the session by saying something lame like “I’m sorry, but I’m not really very submissive. Is it OK if I don’t lick your shoes?’

It is absolutely clear that for this session to work I have to be prepared to fully submit to Mistress Darcy. And that worries me.

So why did I book the session in the first place?

In recent sessions I have, under the right conditions,  found myself gradually letting go of whatever inhibitions had been preventing me from properly submitting. The line between merely doing what a mistress says and submitting to her is indistinct and, I suspect,  largely in my head. But I have willingly crossed that line several times. I have immersed myself in her world, felt myself to be her creature to do with as she pleases, and accepted whatever pain or pleasure she has chosen to give me. For me to take that step has taken a mistress with real presence who has been willing to press my physical and emotional buttons in the session. On those occasions I have felt a sense of release in completely giving up control and allowing myself to be fully and without compromise or prevarication, hers.

So for me a session with Mistress Darcy feels like the next step on a journey into submission.

Am I ready for her?

I hope so.

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