I’m a masochist but am I really submissive? I have had a couple of attempts to answer that but still don’t really feel I have got to the core of the question; the exact nature of my kink. Does it matter? Perhaps not. These labels are useful only in so far as they set out general areas in which my particular desires and proclivities lie.
When I am on my knees looking up at a mistress who do I see? Is she a Goddess whom I worship and whom my only desire is to please in every way? I have had sessions with a very well known and experienced Goddess and, beautiful and talented though she was, could my interaction with her be characterised as worship? I know from the writings of her genuine worshippers that she does attract that level of adoration from many of her clients but I found myself unable to make that step.
Or do I see the mistress as a play partner whose kinks complement mine, who derives pleasure from giving what I derive pleasure from receiving. I submit to her but in my mind I don’t think my submission is driven by feelings of inferiority or subservience. I submit because I like the fear and uncertainty that come from handing over control to another. I like the sense of being unsure how she will use the power I have given to her; whether it will be to inflict pain or award pleasure. I let her tie me up, tease me, slap me, beat me, hurt me deeply because the giving and receiving of pain is where we find out mutual enjoyment. If she lets me perceive the pleasure she derives from our play, makes me aware that she is turned on by our session, then I will go deeper into the role. I will become, for the hour or two we are together, her creature, her plaything to use and abuse as she pleases. In short I will truly submit to her. Once I have made that step I will let her push me to the edge of my tolerance and beyond. The more she enjoys it, the deeper her pleasure in our interaction, the more my reserves will crumble and the deeper my submission will become.
Some people have commented to me that the pro-domina/client relationship must be mostly a financially based transaction lacking in the intimacy and intensity of the same acts carried on in a ‘Real Life’ relationship. It’s not true. If the professional and the client take the time to understand each other’s desires and kinks, if they play together enough to build up a true trust, then for the few hours they spend together the connection can have a highly charged, electric intensity that will last for days after the session.