PLEASING THE MISTRESS – the parent/child interaction

By | 14th December 2016

The Wicked Wednesday prompt “Pleasing” made me think. It made me think about my Mistress, and how important it is for my enjoyment of a session to know that she has been pleased by me and by my actions and reactions during our time together.

I often describe myself as “not very submissive” and I do feel that my sessions are driven more by my response to the sensations the Mistress is making me experience, be they painful or pleasurable, than by the act of submitting to her. Yet a strong motivator, a strong determinant of the course of the session once I am lost in it, is the desire to please her. This shows most in the fact that, if I sense she is enjoying the session and taking something from it, I will push my masochism, push my acceptance of her pain, beyond my normal boundaries and relish her enjoyment of my suffering. If that is submission, then I am a submissive.

Six months ago I saw Mistress Darcy, a very experienced and rather famous Mistress based in New York. Quite early in our session she said something that seemed so strange, I have thought about it often since. She said: “You’re just a little boy.” Just A Little Boy. At one level it’s palpable nonsense. I am a 6’2″ BIG man. Even at the psychological level, I instinctively rebel against her “little boy” perception; I’ve run businesses, served in the military, played rugby. I’m a full-on, kick-arse, alpha male.

Aren’t I?

I’m not sure I am. These characteristics are clothes I wear in order to get through the day, but are they really me?

Thinking about her ‘little boy’ statement, I revisited something I had read about long ago. Transactional Analysis, a theory originally from the fifties but still in use in psychoanalysis and psychotherapy today, analyses human communications as transactions between three ego states labelled “Adult,” “Parent,” and “Child.” We use all three states at different times, but some of us more naturally occupy one over the others. There’s a brief article on the theory here.


“Child” behaviours are those learnt from childhood and I suspect that they form a larger part of my make up than would be immediately apparent if you met me in a business setting. “Child” behaviours can be co-operative or spontaneous, which are seen as positive traits, or resistant and immature which are seen as negative traits. The strong child in my character may well be the origin of the creativity I show in my business dealings, but so too might my tendency to be sulky when things don’t go my way.

I think that, in the language of transactional analysis, a session with a Mistress may be a chance for me to indulge my strong inner “child” in an environment where the reaction to “child” type behaviours will be entirely positive.  The acquiescent “Yes, Mummy” of childhood becomes the acquiescent “Yes, Mistress” of the  dungeon, as my inner “child” becomes all obedience and compliance, surrendering to someone exhibiting a strong “parent” ego state. Not having to be the “parent” or “adult” for a few hours, becomes a release for me. Instead my “child” is able to focus on pleasing the Mistress’s “parent” in our emotional transaction.

So perhaps Mistress Darcy in New York, with her “just a little boy” comment, had recognized my strong “child” ego state and was responding to it.

And what could more clearly accentuate that “child” state than being punished?


More, though perhaps less introspective, wickedness here:


Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

5 thoughts on “PLEASING THE MISTRESS – the parent/child interaction

  1. HappyComeLucky

    I have studied transactional analysis and know its strengths and limitations. I think in BDSM there is a very clear third aspect of the ‘parent’ section which is the indulgent parent. This often goes with a ‘demanding/needs-driven/desire-driven counterpoint. Both of these contain aspects of the positive and negative which is part of the reason why finding the right match of play partner can be complex and why mismatches jarr so much.

  2. Molly

    There is a lot to digest here and I shall have to do some further reading but thank you for exploring this subject


  3. SkinShallow

    Very interesting. I think kink there is a huge layer of “play” (in the most serious, both free/creative and paradoxically extremely ritualised, Homo Ludens sense) in kink. And maybe it gets both the playful child and the insecure one out to play. And I think the top can (and perhaps ultimately HAS TO) operate from all ego states for a truly mutually satisfying exchange.

    So perhaps with a professional your desire to please kicks in is when more than the adult of the domme genuinely engages?

  4. Marie Rebelle

    The psychobabble (as you call it) in this post is something I want to explore even more. I have never heard of the P-A-C before and am interested to learn more and of course, apply it to my own situation. Interesting! Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Rebel xox


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