I posted recently about how, when I’m between sessions and needy, my masochism can feel like a dark obsession. It can be quite alarming. Occasionally though, my masochistic responses during a session seem to come from that same dark place and I feel completely taken over by it.
At such times my masochism is all that I am.
The first time this happened I was strapped to a chair and the mistress was squeezing and biting my nipples. She was very good at it. The sensations were so intense that. at one point, she had me straining against the straps, back arched, every muscle tight.
Not because she was hurting me but because she had stopped doing so.
The desperation for her to bite me again was tangible and all-enveloping. If I hadn’t been gagged I’d have begged her to clamp her teeth onto my nipples again.
I recently went to see Mistress Elita for what I expected to be half an hour or so of sensual domination and a chat over cup of tea. For a short session it was packed with diverse elements, some painful, some pleasurable, some both. But one element was profoundly shocking, or at least my reaction to it was.
As often in our sessions the pain had built in layers until, with my balls tied tight, electricity coursing through my cock, and the harshest of nipple clips biting into my chest, I was reaching a limit. Dealing with the pain was helped at this point by Elita leaving the bed to play Brahms on the piano. The contrast between the severe sensations and the soothing music was strange and rather beautiful. I reached a calm place, where the pain was still very much there but felt somehow in balance with the other things my brain was processing: the music, the sight of Elita at the piano.
The calm turned out to be short lived and illusory. Elita jumped on the bed put her hands over my throat and leaned on it until I couldn’t breathe. She has only done this to me once before and staying calm is an exercise in absolute, unconditional trust. Just as I started to feel panicky she took the pressure off and slapped me quite hard across the face, maybe twice of three times. Then she hurt me – hurt me on top of the constant pain that was already there. Just when the new pain was becoming too much, it stopped and, almost before I had taken a good breath, her hands were back on my throat. It became a cycle: pain, strangulation, slapping, pain, strangulation, slapping. I have no idea how many times we went round this cycle; twice, ten a hundred? No idea.
Normally in a harsh session 10% of my consciousness is not really participating. It’s observing the rest of me, measuring my reactions and asking if I’ve had enough. It’s been there in almost every session. Now, though, I was 110% present in this cycle of pain and fear; all that I am was locked, face to face in the exchange of power with Elita. I felt myself slipping deeper and deeper into submission, into a black place where the pain she was feeding me in great spoonfuls was everything.
But it wasn’t enough. I wanted to go deeper still. I wanted to shout “bitch, bitch, bitch” in her face to provoke the reaction I looked for; for her to slap me harder, hurt me more, strangle me closer to the very edge of unconsciousness.
It’s taken me nearly a week to get this down; to come to grips with how really desperate I was for her to push me all the way under in what would surely be the ultimate expression of her dominance and my submission.
She didn’t of course. She’s a professional and understands the duty of care that demands the Dominatrix protect the submissive.
She also understands, as I now do, that in some situations what the submissive most needs to be protected from is himself.
There are many articles on the physiology of erotic strangulation and, importantly, many articles on how dangerous it can be. This is a truly a case of DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
“The carotid arteries (on either side of the neck) carry oxygen-rich blood from the heart to the brain. When these are compressed, as in strangulation or hanging, the sudden loss of oxygen to the brain and the accumulation of carbon dioxide can increase feelings of giddiness, lightheadedness, and pleasure, all of which will heighten masturbatory sensations.”
Wikipedia overview of erotic asphyxiation: here
John Hopkins (Famous US Medical School) on the dangers: here