The truth is, it isn’t going great and, more importantly, I’m not handling it very well.
The detail of what isn’t going great is not really the point of this post. I’ve written about my divorce/house move/ill parents before and, this week, I added to that list a three-year work project that has finally come to nothing and puts my income at risk. To be clear, I’m not looking for sympathy here; I’m not going to be hungry any time soon, but it is quite a lot to deal with.
As someone who derives sexual stimulation from pain, it always seems important that my BDSM should come from a good place rather than from depression and self harm. I’ve often given that advice to others. However, the barrier between erotic masochism and self-harm seems a narrow one for me, the more so because, for much of my life, my kinks were expressed through violence against myself.
This is still the hardest part of my BDSM experience to write about or, worse still, to talk about. I inevitably find the words tripping over each other as they try to manoeuvre round the lump in my throat. I don’t really know why it’s such an emotional thing to describe, perhaps because, even after all this time, it still seems so very weird.
It’s been a much less common habit since I started seeing a Mistress regularly but, once in a while, I’ll go back to it, sometimes in a mood of light eroticism, sometimes in a mood of dark, brooding intensity.
You see, the marks in the image below did not come from Elita or from an adventure with some other, particularly vicious, Mistress. They are in fact self-inflicted, created on a day that, once I knew I would be in the house on my own, had a sense of dark inevitability. Back from my nightmare Asian trip and with my parent visiting duties behind me, I was ready for something that was about me, ready for the release I knew this would bring.
That damn lump is back in my throat, just from writing about what I did and looking at the image again.
It seems like such a weird thing to have done. Yet at the time, I was excited and turned on by the violence of it. I felt focussed and full of intent; in control after all the hideously out of control things I had been dealing with. It didn’t feel at all weird, to stand there watching the impact of the leather belt and the willow switches on my backside in the bedroom mirror.
And afterwards, after I had torn up the willow switches and thrown them into the long grass behind the house, just as I have many times before, I felt better: calmer and more in tune with my emotions. That feeling won’t last long but I needed it badly.
It feels weird again now; now it’s written down and I’m contemplating sharing it with others.
It feels bloody weird.
But it’s part of my truth, and has been all my life.
There are more thoughts on the barrier between sexual masochism and self harm here.
More on this actual session and the implements I used to make these marks here.
The Wicked Wednesday theme of “Lifestyle” may not be too far off for this post:
Sometimes we all get into a bad place in our minds
And look for a way to deal with our inner demons.
I too have been angry and frustrated with my life choices and have used implements to beat those destructive thoughts out of my system….sounds extreme but as a catharsis it works even if it takes a while to recover from the ordeal….hope your in a better place now 🙂
I think the most important thing is that this is cathartic for you. We all deal with stress and anxiety in different ways. If someone got drunk, or smoked weed or even cigarettes, or went to the gym and worked out until they were exhausted to help reset themselves mentally and emotionally we wouldn’t really think anything of it. I don’t really see the difference between that and this to be honest.
Thank you for being so honest and sharing this and most importantly of all take care of yourself
Mollyx
I can totally relate – I too walk a narrow line between erotic masochism and self harm. I hope that things get better for you and I applaud your courage and your honesty.
I appreciate your honesty so much with this. When I was trying to work out the cross between self harm and solo bdsm, yours was the only site I found an answer. I think the line between them can be so thin. I really hope situations improve for you and admire your bravery so much in sharing this.
Aurora x
Thank you for sharing this, dear friend. Sorry you have gone through a bad patch, and I hope things are a bit better now, even though I know your circumstances remain difficult. I have never self-harmed before, but I am honest if I say that I have been thinking about ‘spanking’ or ‘whipping’ myself just to feel pain again, to have marks again, to feel like a submissive again. But, somehow I don’t think that will make me feel better. I need my Husband to be my Dom. I don’t want to take his place.
I really hope things will get better for you!
Rebel xox
As with every one of your posts, your words here describe your pain and intensity of feeling, far more powerfully than your image ever could.
And those words do not seek sympathy . . . but instead, to me, convey your “release” !!!
Xxx – K
I too walk a very fine line between masochism and self harm. I think I have mentioned it to you before. I have very careful boundaries for myself to ensure that I know where my desires and drive is coming from.
I sending you support and, if you ever want to take it up, a listening ear and a person to talk to. Right now I have a request though: in amongst it all, please be compassionate and forgiving to yourself. Stick to physical rather than emotional beatings of yourself.
The fine line for you between masochism and self harm is so interesting to me. I’m sure you aren’t alone in that, but I don’t see it talked about much, so thank you for sharing something so difficult and personal. This kind of honest introspection (more than play stories) is why I read.
I’m sorry you are under such stress, I hope you start to get out from under at least some of it soon.
Ferns
As Eye said, you have many changes happening right now, any one of which would rock most people’s boats. Do your best to act and speak to yourself as you would a dear friend going through similar things. But if you can’t, try not to be hard on yourself for that too. Try to hold on to those things that are constant and helpful and positive. Love and peace to you as you continue through this turbulent time.
What Posy said, far more eloquently than I could here.
Anything you need, even if only to listen, you know how to reach me – available any time.
melody x
You are in a very difficult time B1. I think you might need to be gentle with yourself in all aspects of your life. Sending very best wishes and love x
Thank you for sharing this, I hope it helped relieve some of the intensity for you. I think you’re right: we walk fine lines with BDSM and sometimes it’s upsetting or gives us pause when those lines fade or blur. In my opinion, self awareness goes a very long way and being self aware and working through the questions your actions brought up is proof enough that you are operating from a safe, sane place. Unfortunately, such self violence is deemed deviant by most, when in reality it can be such effective self care. You knew what you needed and you were present and thoughtful in getting it.
I appreciate that you shared such an intimate experience, I hope your feelings on it are resolved soon.
B1 – Well … I don’t feel your pain but I do feel your despair, I empathise with your feelings that so many things (important to you) are out of control and slipping out of your grasp. You’ve done this [picture] to yourself not only for release but I guess because it IS something you can drive / steer / start and stop when you want to. Possibly you subliminally blame yourself for some of the things which are now in disarray around you – although your logical head knows that, in your divorce and in your business dealings, there were other people involved who had agendas of their own.
I think you know you can count on many people in the kink community to support you with ‘sympathetic listening’ and you know who to turn to for practical help. Please don’t shut down and withdraw, keep the channels open.
With love – P xx