So finally, about four or five years since it all started to break down for the second time, nearly 2 years after we agreed we didn’t want to spend the rest of our lives together, and way too long after way too many other people had been told, we told our boys we are going to separate when this house sells.
I hadn’t been sure how much they knew or had guessed, and wasn’t sure what reaction to expect. We were all sat together on the terrace after a big meal. We’d been hiding from it, and from each other, all day: my wife in the garden with her headphones on, me immersed in my cooking in the kitchen. I knew that, eventually, one of us would have to haul the 800lb Gorilla into the middle of the room, and I knew that that person would have to be me.
It seemed, at first, to go well.
“Yeah, I’d pretty much guessed!” said the oldest, but slowly and surely his anger welled up, as the amount of time we had kept this to ourselves sunk in. He walked around the house for a bit, banging doors loudly, just as he used to do when he was 13, then disappeared off to see a mate in the pub. I hadn’t wanted him to go, not with so much yet unsaid, but I know this friend of his, a really nice, grounded young man who would, I was sure, say the right things; the things I wanted to say myself but which would be easier to hear from someone outside the family.
The younger of the two was very quiet, but then he’s always very quiet. Eventually he turned to us and said this:
“If you guys have decided this is what’s right for you, then I’ll be OK with it.” How did he get so wise, big-hearted and generous? I could tell that my wife was fighting tears at his response to what we had told him and mine weren’t far away.
Later, the oldest sent a text from the pub, just to reassure us he was OK, and I loved him even more for doing that. Later still, his friend came home with him; I got the feeling he was there as a shield against too-early enquiries from us. His anger will need a little longer to work itself out I think.
They haven’t hugged me yet, not properly, but they will do.
And me?
I’m feeling a little numb; I think my wife is too, though she’s no longer here. I’m waiting for the promised sense of relief, the feeling of having started something new and exciting, but it hasn’t come yet.
Of course it hasn’t come yet.
In fact, I think that feeling will only come, if indeed it does, when I’ve had that hug; when I’ve been given permission by that hug to stop feeling guilty for having taken away some of the certainties in their young lives, and redefining “home” for them as something altogether more nebulous and transitory.
I’m prepared that it might take a little while for them to be OK with that.
As a child from a divorced family let me say I wish my parents had talked to me. One day they were together, the next day they were not and my mom and I packed up all we had and moved to another state. I am glad you both were there for them and gave them space. Sending both of you love and hugs.
Love to you, B. It sounds like you and your wife handled this as well as possible, and what you’ve shared of your boys shows them to be well-adjusted, intelligent, kind young men. (And they obviously got those qualities from their folks). Just continue as you are, loving them and listening and talking to each other and spending time together. You’re all going to be OK. xoxoxo
How incredibly tough that must have been and what wonderful young men your boys have become. Well done for getting through this difficult part.
Sending all the love x
I have been through this and although my children were younger I understand the guilt that you feel. I think that you and your wife handling it separately but together will make a big difference to how they manage. I think it is when they are drawn into it by one party or the other on an emotional level that it is hardest for them but it sounds like they will be supported by both of you and not drawn into point scoring. Sending wishes that you get your hug soon 😊
I don’t know if that guilty feeling will ever entirely go away. It might get easier to live with. Having gone through this recently (am still going through this) I can only say I understand and send healing thoughts your way.
Those feelings of excitement at moving on to better and more exciting things will come. Don’t feel bad when that happens. Acknowledge the guilt and then put it away. You don’t own this entirely. It takes two to make a marriage work and two to bring an end to it.
Back with my first divorce my children were too young to understand what was happening. With the second, they did, and they might even have wanted it more than I did. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been for you, and for your wife too. I believe you will get the hugs you need. Just give them time; you have raised them well. Wishing for you that the feeling of relief will flood your being soon. Much live to you.
Rebel xox
To be honest, this sounds as if it went pretty well. I am glad neither of them blew up about being ‘the last to know’ and I am pleased they have found support – your eldest from his friend and your youngest from you two. I know you will turn yourself inside out to give them the best ‘home’ and ‘support network’ you possibly can – even though you and your ex will do it separately, it will be all the stronger for that I think.
Waiting for the familial hug is like waiting for the other shoe to drop, you will be comforted when it does. Virtual blogger hugs til then. x
Wishing you all well in this and the future.