My most popular blog post was written early in my life as Bibulousone and describes my personal experience of being caned, breaking it down into steps from pre-caning anticipation to post-caning calm. This has been read over 12,000 times, a number growing at about 1,000 a month. Type “experience of caning” into Google and there it is at Number 2!
The post is a very personal experience of this rather extreme form of BDSM and I like that others have shared their own experience in the comments. I read the most recent comment in that light, but found it raised interesting questions in the context of my post on male attitudes to women in relation to #MeToo.
Take a look at the last section: (You can find the whole thing here)
Howling and struggling is a crucial element because it demonstrated to anyone watching that the male is truly learning his lesson. Crying is the ultimate manifestation of emotional defeat and as such it also represents complete and total victory on behalf on the dominant female. Any man who is reduced to crying in front of a female cannot possibly feel that he is superior or equal in any way. His male pride will be truly devastated and instead of feeling pride in surviving the ordeal his emotions will be those of utter shame and humiliation at his inability to take it in a manly fashion. Cruelty and a lack of concern for the victims ordeal is a rare quality in a female dominant but for me it is a crucial element and the essence of genuine female superiority.
Now, if James (the comment writer) likes to be caned harder than me, that’s fine. I don’t like the implication that there is such a thing as a “proper” caning, but that kind of statement is so common in BDSM, I’ll let it go.
However, on my second or third reading I started to wonder if this might not be toxic masculinity presented as submission. Is there an implication here that it’s normal for a man to feel superior to a woman when he’s not being caned by her. Surely one would only feel “utter shame and humiliation” from crying in front of a woman if one started from an assumption of an inherent male superiority that had been overturned in some way by that act?
In focusing on these two extremes, don’t we rather skip over the male/female relationship to which we should aspire; one of mutual respect and regard; a relationship of equals? If one felt about women that way, perhaps crying in front of one would be less humiliating.
I don’t want to imply that there is anything wrong with humiliation as a kink but, as it’s presented here, I find myself eyeing it with suspicion and wondering if it’s always quite what it seems.
Perhaps this is why some feminists struggle with the idea of Femdom and the Dominatrix. I’ve seen it argued that it shows men can only cope with strong, independent women in a fetishized scenario that, underneath the female dominant/male submissive surface, has been set up for the gratification of the male.
I was once reduced to tears, uncontrolled floods of tears, by the wonderful Mistress Elita in an intense session of whipping and caning, but I felt none of the things that James describes here. Rather than shame at my tears, I felt pleased, proud even, that I had overcome a lifetime of conditioning and allowed myself to be stripped bare to that extent. It was cathartic and renewing to express such strong emotion so openly.
And actually, at that point, I DID feel equal to my Mistress. The sharing of so deep and emotional an experience may even have strengthened our connection and our regard for each other.
I’d be more than happy to see a response to this from James if he would like to write one in comments.
Thanks for sharing.
I stopped myself from commenting on his comment when I saw it the other day. I think I’m showing my age in that it initially read as bad manners to comment on another sub’s blog that he knew the true meaning of D/s whereas B1 and by implication others, such as myself, were doing it wrong.
His description of how the power exchange should work feels to me like a cold zero-sum interpretation. For the domme to win, the sub must lose – and lose big. Each to their own, YKISMK etc but I feel he’s missing out on something here.
The other thing that stands out is the language of objectification and I think that meshes with your thoughts on what’s potentially toxic masculinity in this position.
This is a broad church and we have to allow for wide interpretations. However, the idea of respect for the domme seems very lacking here. To do it properly she must follow his one true path and drag respect out of him. Does he enter the dungeon with little respect for her and leave with respect based on how much pain and floods of tears she gave him ? Forgive me, but that sounds dangerous.
It may sound odd talking about toxic masculinity from a submissive, but talk to dommes and they’ll tell you how toxic and entitled the majority of males approaching them actually are, so sadly, I don’t see anything exceptional here – though it OUGHT to be.
As a closing personal thing with the OP’s post. I don’t cry from CP, I can’t. I pass out first. Does that mean I’m doing it wrong ? Does it mean my domme is doing it wrong ?
And as a final point, I go back to the zero sum game. It implies no intimacy, no connection on a personal level. My own dommely encounters are far from zero sum and it’s pretty clear from his writings that B1 is similar. I’d absolutely love for my domme to draw tears from me, it would be one of the most nurturing gifts she could ever give me. Same outcome – different path and perspective for the OP.
So yes, I’m inclined to agree that the comment shows toxic masculinity in it’s casual manner of considering the traditional roles and power structure between male and female. I doubt that it’s deliberate to that degree, but after all, that’s what you were pointing out in your #MeToo post.