STRONG WOMEN

I wrote this a while ago but sat on it. I decided National Women’s Day might be a time to give it an edit and post it. 

Back in the days when my soon-to-be-ex wife was actively antagonistic towards me, fortunately long passed, one of her repeated barbs was: “You have a problem with strong women.” Her argument was that, because my mother stopped working when she married and never went back to it, I could only relate to women in the role she had had, and therefore couldn’t identify with strong, independent-minded, career-following women; women, in other words, like my wife.

I think there’s a lot wrong with her question, not least the assumption that the only “strong” woman is one with a career, but I suspect her question was as informed by her upbringing as she believed my behaviour was informed by mine.

Where does my past relationship with a Dominatrix fit in that discussion? Does me allowing myself to be tied down and beaten by a dominatrix sit on her side of the argument or mine; an indication that I wanted women to be strong or wanted them to be compliant?

The superficial answer is in my favour: I sought out strong women intentionally and with the specific aim of subjugating my will to theirs.

But I have seen it argued cogently that the male sub/pro Domme relationship might well imply nothing of the sort. How is it healthy, the counter goes, if entitled males can only deal with strong women by fetishizing them, putting them on a pedestal, somehow apart from regular society rather than integral to it? Worse still, in this line of reasoning, I wasn’t really submitting to Elita, I was a male with a particular set of kinky desires, paying her to deliver an experience designed to satisfy them. Men in this situation are described, scathingly, as “Do Me” submissives. Was I a “Do Me” submissive?

I don’t see my past relationship with Elita in this light. Sure, we played games that pressed my kinky buttons, but I don’t think the relevant relationship between us was about what happened in the bedroom. Elita was/is a highly skilled professional and I treated her with the same respect that I’d treat any professional. A friendship grew between us, but that isn’t so unusual in professional relationships. Elita is a strong woman and I certainly had no problems relating to her.

My relationship with my wife was more nuanced and there was truth in her accusations. Influenced by how my father saw himself as I grew up, I saw myself as the “provider” in our household and found it difficult to show interest in my wife’s work, to offer the support she wanted when it went badly or to celebrate her successes. I failed to empathise with the stress she faced in keeping her business going while being a mother to two young kids. In this respect, I did have a problem relating to her strength and independence and I’m not proud of who I was at that time.

I’m different now, partly through drilling down into that part of my life with my therapist, and partly through having been lucky enough to meet more women through my blog and to form genuine friendships with some of them. If I’m with someone, I take more interest in them and enjoy hearing about their lives and the ups and downs of their careers. I am less likely to feel their success to be a threat, and more likely to look for a partnership, which, in truth, is all my wife ever really wanted.

Once again I find myself regretting, too late to do her any good, what my wife went through for twenty years.

So, on National Women’s Day, let’s celebrate strong women, however they show their strength and however they choose to use it to shape their lives

But, and perhaps more importantly, lets celebrate those who feel they have lost that strength at this difficult time; who feel downtrodden or lost; who rage at their apparent inability to shape their lives in the teeth of the pandemic and everything else thrown at them. Let’s celebrate them too.