Everyone has to start somewhere. For me it was very early and my memories of liking things that would have seemed strange to most kids go back a lonnnngggg way. Snapshots from the early development of my kinky self I now know to be fairly typical: wanting to be the subject of discipline in games; repeatedly looking up words like “spank” and “flog” in my dictionary; sneaking off to the toilets with a tube of deep heat; self spanking with a hairbrush and later with a riding crop I had cycled into the local town to acquire. My parents found the crop once and I was forced to invent a complicated lie involving a present for a horsey girlfriend whom I was no longer seeing. To this day I don’t know if they believed me though I imagine that accepting the lie would have been easier for them than trying to understand the truth. The point of listing these experiences is that I am convinced we are born kinky rather than have it thrust upon us by circumstance as 50 Shades of Grey wanted us to believe. I could no more choose to be 100% vanilla than a person born gay could choose to be 100% heterosexual.
This kinky self has been present all through my adult life, sometimes more insistently, sometimes less. For many years all I ever did about it was to indulge in somewhat unsatisfactory self-administered CP sessions until I finally summoned up the courage to see my first mistress in my thirties. I very nervously told her it was my first time and I had punishment fantasies that I would like to explore. Her response was to strap me down to a wooden stool and thrash me so hard that I was left with vivid purple bruises all over my backside that lasted a fortnight. It was quite an initiation. As I limped painfully out of her apartment she asked if I wanted to book another session.
“I need to decide if I enjoyed this one first” I replied.
“Oh, you’ll be back!” she said, becoming the first of several mistresses who, after knowing me for exactly 60 minutes, have looked deep into my soul in a way that would take a therapist months. This was also the first time I had experienced the glorious sense of exhilaration that can follow a CP session.
I fitted this new life around the old one and have been doing so ever since. I have visited mistresses in London, at the famous Pandora’s Box in New York and elsewhere. I have played with bondage, spanking, flogging, corporal punishment, nipple torture, CBT, anal and a few other kinks. I have also discovered that I am a switch, with a strong dominant side and have hired professional submissives to explore that dynamic. If at home on my own and needing to scratch the kinky itch, I am still capable of returning to self-administered CP with any implement that comes to hand. But I am finally at ease with this part of myself and have created my social media alter ego, BibulousOne and this blog, to give it an identity and to allow it out into the open.
I more or less stopped seeing sex workers in 2019 as I formed the first of a couple of relationships outside that world. After two vanilla marriages, it has been wonderful to throw my whole self into these relationships, rather then hiding my kinks away.
We all have our own story: dominants and submissives; providers and clients; extroverts attending fetish clubs and introverts watching spanking videos at home. So long as it is safe, sane and consensual, none of what we do is weird, perverted, or a threat to society. It is OUR normal and we couldn’t be any other way if we tried.
You must be a wonderful person.
This time with the box ticked
Please add my email to your follower list if that is possible. Would love to get alerts when you post.
Hi, it is so recognizable! I too – from early childhood – a very kinky person. In fact, quite often I’m convinced that the ‘real me’ is the persona I started to call kinquie some years ago. It has been a hard struggle. Raised in a strictly catholic family – where of course was no room for sex and absolutely not for ‘unthinkable perversions’ – I thought I was a sinnful, sick and bad, bad boy, young adult, man. Every time after an eruption of kinkyness and perversion, I tried to cure myself. I swore to myself to do it never, never again. And of course I failed each time, which made me feel even more bad and sick and depressed. Years of therapy didn’t help, because I didn’t dare to talk about ‘it’. And than, after many, many visits to professional domina’s, I visited one domina with whom I had a conversation of about 4 hours. It costed me a small fortune, but it wzs well spent. She told me: if you felt ‘it’ so stronly, when you were just a little boy (6yo), it just can’t be bad or sick or sinnful. It’s a pure feeling, the real you!’ That did the trick for me. Suddenly I saw myself in a complete new perspective. And step by step I came to accept kinquie, to enjoy kinquie and finally to be goddamn proud of kinquie. Of course I must be carefull, for there still is a world with relations, friends, family and work that doesn’t know about kinquie. So, although I want to shout it from the roof (dressed op as the slutty kinquie) I’d better nit do it. But it is tempting! T
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you’ll appreciate mine as well.
Thanks for this honesty. I can connect with that.
Infact, i can fill this blog with detailed fantasies and a few of my real life experiences.
I prefer to be honest and hence i will share the emotions i went through in my limited experiences.
Will write.
please add me to your follower list… Thanks
I find your blog very helpful because your story is very similar to mine: fantasies of punishment since my early years, although I didn’t have the courage to see my first domme – also in NY – until my fifties.
I also admire what you write because of your honesty about remaining in the closet, true in my case as well.
Do you know of other closet subs who write blogs or who Tweet intelligently about their experiences?
And thanks for the follow and retweets.
I never had cp from dad or mum. from 11 to 15 subjected to slipper at school. hated it and would do anything to not get it. Wanted to be known as matcho boy . yet from maybe as young as 12 had dreams of getting cane and strap beating and made to wear girls undies and mackintoshes us boys thought was sissy to wear a mac.
In those day ( i was born in 1943 ) no internet and very little talk about sex. never thought anyone else like me.
Untill got older and found sex mags and there it all was sub dom fem dressing mackintosh love etc.
Had many beating in later life from friends turn on wanting hurt having relief when over. can anyone tell me if they get pleasure while having a beating. For me just hurt and wanted to stop but never asked for it to stop. and when stopped wished had been harder . macnhood62@mail,com