Something that greatly affects the outcome of a session with a Mistress is my mental state going in. Am I up or am I down? Do I arrive feeling positive, confident and motivated or do I arrive feeling bad about myself, negative and depressed?
If I’m UP, pain is a flood of extreme sensations into which I can immerse myself, gradually increasing the depth of my immersion until there is no room for anything else.
If I’m UP, pain is a challenge to be overcome, a barrier to be broken through, a mountain to climb. Overcoming that challenge feels like winning with all the psychological and motivational benefits that come from any kind of winning.
If I’m UP, the Mistress is my partner in a feast of sensations and emotions. Her kinks and mine interleave seamlessly. Both of us take what we want from the session. We leave it fulfilled and knowing more about each other.
If I’m UP, the pain clears my mind, leaving it uncluttered and calm, ready for whatever happens next. I feel positive about myself and my life; glad to have had the opportunity to experience these extreme physical/emotional challenges and to have overcome them.
If I’m UP, my masochism is sexual, sensual. Its part of me and I relish it.
If I’m DOWN, pain is punishment not reward and I take no pleasure in it.
If I’m DOWN, I’m not really masochistic at all. Rather I’m a sadist whose victim is myself and I want to hurt my victim, make him suffer, hit him (or have him hit) harder and harder.
If I’m DOWN, the Mistress is just the instrument I use to inflict pain on myself. I want her to be cold and unconnected and I don’t care whether she enjoys it or not.
If I’m DOWN, I leave feeling more depressed than I arrived, hating myself for giving in to this weakness. I might be down for weeks.
If I’m DOWN, my masochism is self harm. It’s dark and I hate it.
Fortunately I can only think of a few instances where a session, self inflicted or with a Mistress, has truly felt like self harm in that way. On occasions though, I look at the marks left behind and ask myself how black and white, how well defined, that barrier can be. Over the last year, as I have explored more and more intense sessions, I have asked myself that question quite frequently.
Look at the picture below: the stripes from the whip; the cane marks, which extend beyond my bottom (which is familiar with this kind of treatment) to areas of skin not normally abused in this way. Getting those marks hurt a lot. My back was a bit of a mess too. Although you can’t count them, the final part of the session was fifty strokes with the cane that made those marks. Is this me pushing my limits, growing through testing myself, or is it self abuse? If you’ve read other posts on my blog you’ll assume I was just letting a Mistress push my limits again – revelling in the extreme sensations as I have before.
Suppose I tell you that, although I won a decent bit of money on my Las Vegas poker trip, just before this particular session I had made some bad decisions and lost heavily. I was cross with myself and down. Now maybe my motivation might seem more nuanced. Now perhaps you might wonder why I didn’t stop her hitting me outside the normal area for CP. I wondered that myself.
The truth is that, in this particular session, while there might have been a negative element at the start, she pushed me so far into subspace that by the time we had finished I was in full ‘mind cleared, motivated,happy’ mode. It was a good session.
I don’t seek answers to these questions, though as always, I welcome comments and thoughts. I think I know myself well enough now to cancel a session if I really was in that negative mindset. I hope so anyway because, with the type of situation I am now exposing myself to , it would have the potential to be quite damaging.
And not just because of a few bruises.
I am learning that thinking about these things and discussing them before hand is actually key to a good session and one which doesn’t leave regrets.
Since my masochism has only been shown to me through my submission this has meant expanding my understanding of what my kinks are, moving away from seeing submission as a way to please and deepening my relationships with myself and others.
This is a question that I reflect on quite often and there are certain activities that I avoid because they are too close to the line. One thing that I do is decide my limits when no endorphins are flowing. I have ranges of limits. Soft – push me if the mood is right. Medium – negotiated push if I am in the right emotional space to explore it. This has to be discussed in advance. Hard limit – absolutely no way. Do not go there ever!
I can only even consider a scene with someone who respects these. I have also tended to give permission for where marks can be left rather than leaving nobody as a complete blank canvas.