“The best place in the world is inside a hug”
I wrote a post that supported that idea, describing the wonderful hug the Mistress gives me after a hard session.
My second hug story is different. And it’s going to make you angry
Hug Number Two- A hug with malicious intent
Lyra is a masochist and when she first contacted me, (having, she said, read my ENTIRE blog!) she was two or three sessions into a series of meetings with a male professional dominant. She tweeted this as part of the story of their first meeting:
The hug is a trust code, something like a consent form between us. He turned me around, put my hands behind my head, pulled down my underwear, insert a fat dildo in, wrapped a rough itchy rope around it to keep the toy inside. I was wet and panting from fear and excitement.
— Lyra (@Lyrakinetoid) April 17, 2018
(Lyra is not on twitter any more)
“The hug is a trust code, something like a consent form.” My first reaction was “Hey I get that.” At a first meeting with a new Domme, I’m going to be feeling nervous and isolated. If her first move is to cross the barrier between her dominance and my submission and hug me, that’s going to make me feel less nervous. It’s going to be reassuring to feel we’ve had that connection. “The hug is a trust code.” Yes, I was cool with that.
The lovely Sharyn Ferns, a lifestyle dominant and writer, more experienced in these matters, saw it differently, smelling in Lyra’s words, a rat. She contacted me as soon as I linked to Lyra’s story:
“No offence to her and I’m sure it wasn’t, but it SOUNDS dodgy as fuck (‘hug as consent’, no negotiation, at his flat…), so my question is this: WHO IS HE?”
Hmmm. Maybe I was looking at this from the wrong perspective. I contacted Lyra and gently probed what she knew about the person she was playing these harsh-sounding games with. She was reassuring: “He was a figure in the kink community. She had know him for a while. He offered references.”
Ferns was not convinced.
To cut a long, and frankly disturbing, story short; Ferns had it right. Our “professional male dominant” turned out to be a bullying, sadistic, bastard. His hug was a wave of the white flag over the trenches, designed to entice the hapless victims close, while, hidden in the background, his machine guns stood waiting. His hug was designed to break down her layers of self protection and to suggest subliminally that she should trust him.
His hug was designed to tell her she was safe, when she wasn’t safe at all.
In their fifth session he hurt her to the point where she couldn’t speak, couldn’t ask him to stop. His response to that? He carried on hurting her. He hurt her too much, paying no heed to her lack of experience or her anguished responses.
The following day, Lyra turned to me, seeking reassurance and understanding about her overwhelming feelings; not, at this point, offering any details about the session itself. It was clear to me she had dropped like a stone, but I don’t suffer sub-drop in quite that way and lack a full understanding of it. I didn’t really have the words for her, so I contacted twitter friend @_MastersEye. Eye was wonderful and supportive and helped Lyra process her feelings. She told us part of the story of the session but still keeps the worst of it to herself, not yet ready to re-live it by telling it. Perhaps she won’t ever be.
I have such anger at this guy, hiding behind his “professional male dominant” bullshit. Lyra, who sounds absolutely lovely, was inexperienced, new to this, unsure of herself, and yet he preyed on her, sucking her in with his smoothness and his guile, and then letting his sadism loose. He took her money, but the session wasn’t about her, as it should have been. It was about him. His kinks. His kicks. His sick satisfaction at seeing her yell and cry.
I want to call him out, shout his name from the roof tops and undo his sick little business. I don’t think I can really do that from here and, given that he lives in her town, is part of her community, it would be perfectly understandable if Lyra didn’t want to either.
I know this though. He can totally fuck off, with the pretend intimacy of his scheming little hugs.
Although Lyra is not on twitter any more, I am still in touch with her. She is doing well and starting to put this behind her.
As a man, and one who plays dominant games with a submissive, I have found this story hard to be part of.
Hi everybody,
Lyra here. I’m touched by your kindness, care, and offers. I’m doing pretty well. I’m getting on with life. I’m feeling skin was peeled of me through my plays with S exposed me like an insect after molting. I’m growing a tougher skin, and I’ll be fine.
Cheers and hugs to all of you and especially to B1xx
Bloody hell. If Lyra wants to talk to anyone I’ll happily message, and if she needs confidential professional help regarding any trauma, I can put her in touch with a kink-friendly coach who specialises in helping survivors. I hope she’s well and safe xxx
I hate so much that I was right about it and hate so much that she was brave enough to go out and reach for what she wanted and that this arsehole did this. It makes me so angry and sad.
And I’m really relieved that she had your support and Eye’s support. Being new and vulnerable often means ‘alone’, and I’m so glad she had people to reach out to.
“I am still in touch with her. She is doing well and starting to put this behind her.”
I’m pleased to hear it. Sending lots of positive thoughts her way.
Ferns
What an awful thing to happen, thank goodness there are people like you and @_MastersEye were around to help. I agree with Melody, there are problems with dealing with abusers in the kink community and people need to be able to pull together to make sure others don’t fall foul of this kind of individual.
O gosh – this is distressing indeed. That someone seeking love and connection could have been so tricked and abused by someone – very calculatingly using the umbrella of the kink community and a dom personality. I am so glad you were there for Lyra, and that @Eye was able to help too. How wonderful that she could find safe people to help. I hope she continues to improve, what I knew of her via her few tweets that I saw was that she seemed lovely and sweet but her vulnerability was palpable. Big hugs to Lyra if you get a chance to pass them on.
Regarding you – your anger is justified but I think it will not be something you can have any further influence over, other than doing as you have done by guiding and supporting Lyra.
I really hope she’s ok and still talks to those of you who helped.
Yes, these things make me angry, one of a number of recent things regarding abhorrent behaviour and attitudes.
It does present a problem. In the days of Informed Consent there was a sociopath who sounds a bit like this crazy – I won’t dignify with the word dom. He presented an image of a perfect gentleman or knight in shining armour. Yet I knew he was subject to several restraining orders, including a good friend of mine.
This is one area where the community has a problem, the naming and shaming of people who are recurrent transgressors. I’m not sure what can really be done here.
On the anger theme, I’m having dinner tonight with a dear friend who needs help processing her D/s experiences which have left her with PTSD. Yes, I’m angry about that, just as I am on reading this and the hints at what Lyra has gone through.
It goes without saying that help is offered if anyone wishes to talk.
I’m sorry to hear that Lyra isn’t on Twitter any more, we corresponded and she seemed lovely
Oh that sounds scary
I hope lyra recovers from what sounded way beyond agreed limits.
Some people are just out and out crazies!
J.
I am so sorry to hear that Lyra is not on Twitter anymore, but I hope you are still in contact with her. It’s so sad that she had such a bad experience! I really hope she gets to process all of it with time.
Rebel xox