THE MAKING OF A BIRCH

My dear Jerimiah.

Conceivably, on seeing my seal on this short missive, you will assume that I write to remind you of the debt of two thousand guineas you incurred at the club this last evening. How unfortunate for you that I should find myself holding four Treys against your House of Aces! But fear not! I have no intention of being so ignoble as to make the slightest mention of it!

You described to us at the club how you had been become vexed by your current companion and, on hearing of my upcoming ventures, enquired as to the proper making of a birch. Well, old fellow, you are, I declare, in luck, for I have discovered an old copy of a pamphlet I wrote on this very subject. This was produced while I held the position of burser at St Midred’s Academy for the Wayward, a position in which such knowledge proved thoroughly indispensable. The pamphlet became very well-favoured among such institutions and I enclose it for your edification below.

 

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On The Manufacture Of A Birch,

Suitable For The Judicious Correction

Of Young Persons Of Good Breeding

an educational pamphlet by Sir Wackford Squeers (Bart)

Burser, St Mildred’s Academy for the Wayward

First cut your Birch fronds, choosing those hanging straight down. Choose fronds neither so thin and whippy that they might break at the first impact, nor too stout, lest you intend the implement to be used on a particularly recalcitrant victim or, indeed, a young man.

It is necessary, even at this early stage of its fabrication, to consider the desired length of the final implement. I advise the following formulae, developed by my good self over many years of the most detailed and practical research:

L = 3 + a + s + G

N = 5 + s

Where L = length in inches

a = age of the victim (between 15 and 25)

s = desired severity, a number between 0 and 5

G = gender (0 for female, 5 for male)

N = number of fronds

Here we see our selected fronds

Carefully remove all the leaves and any twigs so splayed that they reach more than 2 or 3 inched beyond the centre line of the birch. A well-fashioned birch does not spread fully across the bottom with a single blow but confines its effect to a small area, no more than one quarter or one third of the width. This way one may move the impact around at will, each blow (for at least the first half dozen or so) striking a new area of fresh and delicate skin.

Arrange the fronds carefully and tie tightly in several places and in such a manner that the ties extend approximately one third of the length of the implement. You may use stout twine for this. However, my preference is very much to enjoin the victim to tie the implement herself, perhaps using a piece of her own ribbon fetched from her sewing box. To handle the birch in this way will focus her mind wonderfully, both on the crime that bought her to this sorry circumstance, and on the forthcoming punishment and adds to the deterrent effect most eficzciously.

 

So, here is the finished implement, measured in this case, just 22 inches against a ruler. Such a birch would proffer a suitable introduction to the implement and would serve as a warning against further recalcitrance by the miscreant, rather than providing a particularly severe punishment.

 

If you do not have birch available, then Willow is a fine substitute. Lacking the propensity of birch fronds to spread out, Willow causes a more tightly focussed effect that can be mild of severe, depending on the thickness and length of the willow fronds selected.

For guidance as to the conduct of the punishment and the application of the birch itself, you are advised to purchase my pamphlet on this very subject.

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