Fund raising meeting. I’m with a senior guy from our advisers. Late 50’s. Let’s call him Peter. We’ve met these two women fund managers before. The older is late forties, Dutch (I think). The younger, in her twenties, could be a model; stunning in her close fitting skirt, good shoes and silk blouse. They ask lots of questions. After the meeting I shake hands with both of them. Peter shakes hands with the older one but goes in for a hands on hug with the younger one. I’m shocked and uncomfortable that he’s done that, but I don’t say anything. I don’t say anything in the lift. I don’t say anything in the taxi or over lunch.
I just don’t say anything.
It’s been germinating for a while, this post. I thought about writing it in January in response to Girl On The Net’s excellent rant after the appalling President’s Club dinner. (The dinner was attended only by men. Women, young women selected for their looks, acted as hostesses and were expected to put up with being groped by the men). I thought about writing it after Weinstein, after Incels and again after Kavanaugh. But for every man who wanted to comment on all this, there was a woman proclaiming that it was the time for men to “Shut The Fuck Up” and listen. It was definitely not the time for men to say: “Look, not all men are like this.” A special #NotAllMen hashtag appeared on Twitter, just so women could pour their scorn on men who thought this way. Men who didn’t get it.
So I shut the fuck up and listened. I listened to all the anger and the raging against the injustices to women that were filling the headlines day after day. And still, a little piece of me said “But I’m not like that. I treat women with respect.”
A little piece of me said “Not All Men.”
Then this dropped into my Twitter timeline from a female dominant, a fantastic writer whom I like and respect hugely. She has been kind enough to comment on my blog posts and occasionally pops into my DM’s.
And I'm horrified and ragey and sad and exhausted.
Men are fucking trash.
THAT’S the pivotal moment I’m at.
Writhing maggots squirming under their human skin.
And anyone who #notallmen's at me can fucking fuck right the fuck off— Ferns (@Ferns__) October 8, 2018
I had seen anger and frustration, disappointment and exasperation from female friends and others, but this was something else; visceral and raw; frightening in the rage it revealed.
It hit me then.
We did this. Us. Us men. All of us. We all did this.
Not just Weinstein and Kavanaugh and those uncaring old bastards in the US Senate. All of us. I played my part by not calling out the guy from our advisers in the meeting I described at the start and I probably played a part at other points in my life.
We all played our part in creating a society where women were expected to deny their own sexuality, instead pursuing only ‘sexiness’ for the benefit of men; where they were expected to accept that abuse was part of being a woman and, furthermore, was proof that the goal of sexiness had been achieved.
We all played our part in creating a society that thought it was OK for women to be treated as second best, to be paid less and denied opportunity.
And when, after Weinstein, the #MeToo movement rose up to claim that long-denied equality, to seek justice and recognition, what did we do? We stamped it straight back down again with Kavanaugh, saying “Enough! No Further!” re-imposing male dominance by ignoring that poor, brave woman.
So we have to forget our #NotAllMen pleas for our own individual decency to be recognisd. We have to own this fucking thing, however ugly and disgusting that might feel and, most of all, we have to be prepared to stand with women.
My brother over dinner: “But isn’t there a risk that men might be wrongly convicted of assault?”
Me: “But what about the tens of thousands of men that are walking about free because no-one listened to the women who had been assaulted. Is that not worse? How must those women feel? We can’t accept that, surely?
Him: “Ahhh, I see what you mean.”
So here’s my commitment. I am going to own this shit, accept my part in it, and try and call it out in every place I see it.
D*** at a Poker game (D*** rents our property): “I’ve got this new tenant, she’s really pretty. I normally have someone who collects the rent, but I went round early myself this morning. I thought she might be in her dressing gown.”
Me: “D***, does it not occur to you that that is a real abuse of the power you have as her landlord, that you could be making this poor woman really uncomfortable? I think it’s appalling that you would do that.”
The poker game stops and they all turn to look at me, dumbstruck at my outburst.
It’s not much. It’s fuck-all really; an irrelevant drop in a vast ocean of generations of toxic masculinity and male supremacy. But it’s a start, a personal statement of intent. Because only by owning this shit ourselves can we tear it down in the only way it can be torn down, which is one man at a time. I fear it is going to take a generation to do that, so I personally think we should start now. Right now.
How sad to live in a world where this Australian government campaign is necessary.
How sad to live in a country where the suggestion that such a campaign should be run here might still be labelled “political correctness gone mad.”
Thank you for sharing this with me. Your post gets so close to the ways I’m thinking about this lately (tho I’m a woman) and I feel so touched to read it, like it makes me feel a little less crazy actually. It’s very thoughtfully written … even when I wanted to rush ahead because I was excited, I read slowly because I really wanted to pay attention. It’s not often that someone makes me tear up and I want to say “thank you” but this has happened here.
A very good and strong piece and appeal! I recognize a lot. Shutting up in situations where I could and should have said something but were too afraid and too much a coward to speak up to someone with power. It’s all about power isn’t it? And about bastards who can’t deal with power as one should. Not aggresive or offending against people with less power, but protective and considerating and caring. Hey… aren’t these the attitudes with which women are characterized all the time? You are marginizing your contribution to a less women unfriendly word. ‘Just a drop’. Yeah, right. Of course it’s just a drop. But remember that every mighty river starts as a bunch of individual drops. If you and I and many others behave or start behaving as we should, the world gets a tiny little bit better (or less bad). It makes me think of this Jewish proverb: ‘If you save one human, you save mankind’. Lets di it. Let us show the world that there are some respectfull men.
Thank you. Just, thank you!
Rebel xox
From little acorns, oak trees grow. Well done B1, it is appreciated.
Thank you B1. You just get it x
Thank you for saying this. I feel like there are a lot of men who have the same feelings, but have avoided speaking out for the very reasons you describe. And you’re right, it means this is our fault as well. I think if more men start speaking up, we have a better chance of getting more men to listen.
Thank you for not only writing this post but for also owning this. Every little thing you say against the norm is an effort I appreciate. I also hope it gets easier. I shall also try and speak out where I see it too.
Missy x x
‘We all played our part in creating a society where women were expected to deny their own sexuality, instead pursuing only ‘sexiness’ for the benefit of men; where they were expected to accept that abuse was part of being a woman and, furthermore, was proof that the goal of sexiness had been achieved.’
Well, great post, but this paragraph – this nails something I’m not sure I ever really understood before and suddenly do on a visceral level. All of our sexuality is for ourselves, not for others. How could it be otherwise? And this is why dressing up and being revealing is not ‘slutty’ – we *do* dress like this for ourselves, not men, just as men wear shirts that show off their muscles for themselves – to be proud of themselves, to enjoy their attractiveness and bodies and the sexual beings they are. Women can do that too, in no different way, and it means *nothing* about what others’ reaction to them is. Your point is so validating and powerful, thank you!
And thank you for deciding to stand up and do it right – role modelling is *so* important. My husband threw someone out of his shop once, for talking about a woman towards the front of the queue in a disgusting way – the guy was utterly surprised, couldn’t see what was wrong with his foul objectification. But everyone else saw him not get away with it. More of this!
Respect. It’s not easy taking risks like that. Speaking out often comes at a cost to friendships and networks. Thank you for standing alongside women.
It is most certainly not an “irrelevant drop” in the ocean to say something and stop your friends in their tracks. I am sure you gave them some food for thought and I think it’s really good that you expressed it in terms of a power relationship. The sooner people twig that abuse and rape are about power, the better, as they start to make these connections between their “harmless” behaviour and more violent incidents. Keep going, and keep taking about it- it’s not virtue signalling and we know you are not expecting gratitude; it’s really encouraging for us to see our allies out in the open and setting an example of how to challenge.
👍
Thank you.
A close lady friend and I were chatting last night about how it is challenging for men (especially white men) to figure out how to break the mold that society has taught through hundreds (if not thousands) of years.
Thank you for listening and for deciding to act on what you have heard.