DOM. SUB. TOP. BOTTOM…..

Dom, Sub; Top, Bottom; Sadist, Masochist. Pick one!

I don’t want to pick one. I can’t pick one.

When I started to explore my kinks, I would describe myself as a “submissive,” then as a “submissive who liked to switch,” then (Mistress Elita having pointed out that I wasn’t really very submissive!) as a “sensual masochist and part-time submissive who also likes to play a dominant role.” It became very confusing when meeting kinky folk for the first time.

I completed this “What kind of submissive are you?” questionnaire, looking perhaps for a better label. From nine possible outcomes, I was labeled a “Kinky Fuck!” Never mind subtle differentiations between “classic submissive,” “service submissive,” slut, brat or slave; apparently I am just a Kinky Fuck. And that’s before considering that I also like to play the dom. Perhaps that just makes me even more of a Kinky Fuck! It wasn’t the label I was looking for!

After a long period of living more in my dominant side, I’ve found myself back in my blog, reliving past experiences, drawn, like a moth to a flame, back into the darkly masochistic stories to be found there; wondering whether I should, once again, pay someone to hurt me. I posted pictures that spoke to that mood, darkly masochistic images, all nipple clips, chains and a heavy leather tawse.

“Hurt me! Please hurt me,” I seemed to be saying.

Perhaps, I considered, masochism is the real core of my kink, the beating heart of my sexuality that never goes away.

Perhaps the rest of it is just games I like to play.

But I came across an older post, an image taken from just behind a nervous submissive tied to a bench. I had been about to use a cane to send streaks of fire across her pristinely naked bottom. I remembered how turned on I had been by the sexual energy of that moment, by the interplay between her fear and my anticipation, undercurrents of sadism bubbling to the surface.

Were those feelings any less real than the earlier, more masochistic, more submissive, ones?

When I read this piece of sadomasochistic hotness from the amazing Ferns, it blazed through my consciousness. “Yes”, I thought, “That’s what I want!” but I realised that what made the post special was not the sadomasochism at all. She puts one clip on each of his nipples – that’s it! Yet from this simple ingredient, she creates a searing intimacy, full of connection and love.

I realised that I could put myself in either her place or his, and still get lost in the emotions it evoked.

So my kinks are perhaps not easy to categorise in terms of the list I started with.

Perhaps my kinks are for emotions not acts. I want to be in a room filled with that intimacy and connection; filled too with fear and anticipation, with lust and desire, with challenge and acquiescence. And of course with trust! What a beautiful emotion that is. I want megawatts of emotional electricity to crackle between us, drawing us into each other until we lose all sense of where we are and who we are.

And, if there’s a chance to create that emotional intensity, I’m as happy being the Dominant to your Submissive as being the Submissive to your Dominant. I’ll be the Sadist to your Masochist, the Bottom to your Top or the Daddy Dom to your Little Girl.

All these BDSM scenarios will work for me. Others too, I’m sure.

They’ll work for me because I am, indeed, a Kinky Fuck; but, more importantly, because what I seek out, what I really yearn for, after almost a lifetime of denying myself feelings, are the emotional extremes that kink can offer.