I hesitated to post this, concerned at what all my lovely twitter friends might think:
“He’s there on his own, grieving for his dad, and now he’s self harming! We have to save him!”
I love you guys, but it wasn’t like that; it really wasn’t. I’m doing OK; not avoiding the waves of emotion that come two or three times a day, but riding them out rather than being dragged under by them. I’ve written a eulogy for the funeral, and I’m actually looking forward to talking about what a wonderful man my father was.
So…
This image.
It was really just bit of kinky fun, a chance to focus on physical sensations instead of being dominated by the painful mush in my head; to take myself out of myself for a while, if that makes any sense.
I still revisit my oldest kink from time to time, always have done, and the urge was there, humming away though the day. It would not be denied.
And I had a new toy, specially picked out for this purpose. A specific length, shape and flexibility, just so it would wrap around my arse in exactly the way I wanted it to. One day, I’ll get someone to use it on me but, for now, this is a personal thing. Self pleasure. I know it will seem weird to many. In truth, even after all these years, it still seems weird to me that I would spend time scouring BDSM sites searching for the perfect implement to hit myself with.
It’s the kink I am least comfortable with and find hardest to talk about.
But it is, and always has been, part of my truth.
So, no, I don’t need saving. In fact to be able to find sexual stimulation, excitement and even pleasure at this particular time feels like a good thing. Something to be celebrated.
I wrote a post earlier in the week, looking from a distance at the time I spent seeing sex workers regularly. I built it around the perfect Dickens quote: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
More Sunday sin here:
I have pondered these thoughts too over the years and I don’t see it really as any different to taking a run or other form of exercise that gives you that rush. I think for folks like us our rush comes from stuff like this. I have tried impact play but never found it really works for me but clothes pegs….. well that is another thing altogether
Molly
I’m not a bruises or marks fan but I do like the look of that toy!
Missy x
“In fact to be able to find” … I know just what you mean … and totally agree. Something to be celebrated.
Xxx – K
I personally don’t see anything wrong with this! I too self indulge when impact play is dry and I see nothing wrong with using it as a gateway. It’s a need to me and helps my head balance. Fab post as always, B1 x
Love your picture! I love bruises on my own body given lovingly and in great passion . Like a kiss!
I am glad you have posted this. You know I indulge myself sometimes and I know the difference between when it is good and when it isn’t. I know you know how to recognise the difference too.
Those bruises and that toy give me really strong yearnings.