THE THING I’D TELL MY YOUNGER SELF

Generalising in any writing about sex is dangerous; everyone’s experience is so different. But, generalising about orgasms, particularly female orgasms, seems even more fraught. Some operate on a hair trigger; a touch here, a rub there and “Booom!” For others, an orgasm is hard-won; something that requires a very specific set of circumstances to achieve.

With the latter it might not be about ‘making’ them come at all, it might be about making space in your love-making to allow them to bring themselves to orgasm in their own special way, in their own time and without embarrassment.

It follows, I think, that using control of a partner’s orgasms as part of Dominant/Submissive BDSM play, be it through denying the release of orgasm, or forcing multiple organisms, requires a great deal of trust and understanding. Once you have that understanding, there are rewards here. Great rewards.

Back when I was seeing a professional submissive, we took advantage of having found a Doxy vibrator in a rental dungeon to explore orgasm denial. I removed it each time I sensed she was close to coming, until her responses made clear any further denial would be beyond cruel, and then, only then, I used the wand to push her over the edge. The resultant orgasm, when it was finally permitted, was a thing of wonder.

But what about an excess of orgasms?

How’s this for a threat:

I’m going put some nice music on and slowly to tie you to the bed. Then I’ll work my way down till my head is between your legs. I’m going to stay there, my tongue on your clit, my fingers or a dildo inside you, for a long time.

The first orgasm will seem like making love.

The second will seem like fucking.

The third will be an exercise of my dominance and your submission.

The fourth will be ripped from you in astonishing act of violence.

The final orgasm will be aftercare, slow and gentle. 

Orgasm control can be delicious for both parties!

If I were permitted to pass just one thing that I’ve learned from my recent years of sexual exploration back in time to my younger self, it would be this:

Find out what makes her come.

Care about whether and how that happens.

For too long I did neither.

Small wonder, perhaps, that both my marriages ended.