The kink I’ve always had most difficulty writing or talking about is that of hurting myself. Yet this is where it all started: a lonely little boy in a car; the teenager who nervously bought himself a riding crop and had to lie when his parents found it; the married adult who would disappear to the garage with a piece of electric flex when his wife was out; the older man living alone creating elaborate scenes for himself with rope and whips during COVID lockdown.
Yet hitting myself was never something I did with Elita or in any other relationship, because I would have felt uncomfortable doing so. But the explorationexploration of the last couple of weeks has left me understanding better where my kinks might come from and more comfortable with them. I can fully accept that, for me, pain and intimacy are inextricably linked.
I’ve always had a fetish for buying implements to use in sessions with myself and others. I tend to get overexcited by the kindness of it all and choose a more challenging implement and then wish I’d bought something more realistic when it arrives.
My latest purchase is a beautiful antique leather paddle, build like a tawse from heavy, 8mm thick leather. It would have been specifically designed for corporal punishment in a school. I tried it out on myself and was shocked by the sting of it. Without really thinking about it, I sent Lyra a little video of it impacting my backside.
Her reaction was unambiguous: “Wow! This is so so so hot. Turned me on. You look so good!”
So, the first time I’ve directly shared this kink with someone they find it hot. Not silly or ridiculous or weird but hot. Hmmm. I hadn’t seen that coming.
I made a longer video, her demanding that I give myself 25 strokes with the paddle, and apparently that was hot too.
Of course, me being me, I’m now doubling down. For my session with Miss Hunter on Sunday, Lyra has written to her requesting some very specific scenarios. I haven’t seen the letter but I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to spank myself in front of Miss H.
Instead of worrying about looking ridiculous, I’m excited for it. Turned on by it in fact.
And to be comfortable to do that in front of someone else is quite a turnaround.
So I’m going to share my oldest kink with you too. I don’t mind if you find it weird, but I hope you won’t.
I’ve submitted a still from this for Sinful Sunday:
Oh it is definitely hot. I have dabbled myself in such waters but mostly I have found them, unsatisfying. They have scratched an itch for me at times but it’s only very surface and I often end up craving what I want even more as a result. BUT, I get it, totally 100% and I hope you throw off the shame about it and lean into it.
Molly
That video clip… that is so absolutely hot! I have had people ask me to record me hitting myself before and I have never understood what they see. Maybe it is because I’m too judgemental and harsh on myself.
I. So very glad that you have found acceptance. You have been a really important part in my journey towards acceptance. I’m proud of you and your journey.