Finally, after months of samples, tests and scans, I have a way forward for the health issues I described in my recent post.
Unfortunately that way forward involves major surgery and that surgery is happening on Thursday. None of the modern, minimally invasive techniques are available for the mix of plumbing and electrical work required and so I’m going to be opened up, put on a heart/lung machine while the surgeon does his stuff, and then wired back together so the bone, muscle and skin can reconnect across the hole in my chest.
It’s a bit scary. A lot scary if I’m honest. In fact it would be absolutely terrifying if I let it.
I’ve been given three pages of detailed notes on how to prepare for the operation. Nowhere does it mention being tied to a bench by a Dominatrix and beaten with a heavy leather paddle. Yet that is what I opted for. Despite a couple of sessions with my therapist (having reconnected with her when I became ill) and some internal heavy lifting on my own, I was still feeling overwhelmed, frightened and out of control. What I was looking for was to be led by the hand to the centre of myself, to the place of calm confidence where kink can take me.
I wanted to use one type of pain to help me prepare myself for another.
It didn’t quite work in the way I had expected. The dungeon was cold and I was too stressed to fully relax into it and let myself go. Miss H of course saw this and adjusted the session accordingly, switching to a heavy flogger that felt more like a deep tissue massage than a BDSM session. But the paddling at the end was still pretty brutal. She knew that I needed to feel I had been through something difficult and survived, even if she couldn’t get her cane out on this occasion.
The really impactful moment happened right at the start of the session. I had removed my clothes and stood in front of her and she ran her fingers over my body, steering me into submission. And then she placed both hands on my sternum, right where the cut will be made, and pushed firmly into it, telling me to breathe deeply into the pressure. For a few moments neither of us moved.
She just laid her hands on me and I breathed.
I’m not a very spiritual person. You won’t find me buying healing crystals or opening my chakras, but there was a flow of energy from Miss H to me that took my breath away. I was aware of making a conscious decision to open myself to that energy and allow it in.
”I’ll do this again when you’ve healed,” she said.
The intensity of that moment between us stayed with me for the rest of the session. It’s still with me now. I’m finding it an emotional thing to revisit.
When I come round from the surgery and the focus of the discomfort will be in exactly the place she visited, I’ll be seeking that energy.
I’ll breathe into it again.
In, Out.
In, Out.
Calm. Centred.
What a gift.
