Early last year I logged onto a couple of dating apps and created a profile on Fetlife. I wanted to meet someone. I wanted to have someone in my life who I could share things with, travel with, cook for.
I went to a local kinky meet up above a pub, a “munch” to use its proper name. Nice people but no-one with one-to-one relationship potential. I signed up for a dating app focussed on sexually adventurous people but it was quickly clear I wasn’t going to meet someone my age there
My kinks are important to me and I still need them, but I need company too so I signed up for a “normal” dating app for over 50’s
Then I became ill and my focussed shifted.
I’m back there now and had a lunch date last Sunday with a very lovely lady. She’s a year or so older than me, full of life and has lots of interests. We talked non stop over lunch and carried on afterwards until our pre-paid parking ran out.
I didn’t tell her that the following week I was going to have a sensual but supremely painful afternoon with a Dominatrix.
As I look forward to seeing her again next week I can feel the two parts of me start to separate once again.
It makes me uncomfortable.
For her I’m a retired businessman with two adult kids, who used to sail small boats (as she did) and likes food, theatre and travel.
For Miss Hunter, who I saw yesterday, and the friends I meet for kinky play sessions, I’m a sensual masochist, an equally sensual sadist, a creator of and participant in intimate, erotic, challenging games in London rental dungeons.
I don’t want to be separated again I don’t want to hide one part of me from the other, or to feel that I’m skulking around hoping not to be caught out. I want to be one, integrated entity as I have been since Miatress Elita and I carried out a full blooded BDSM session in front of a room full of my friends.
I went through this concern with my therapist this week (I’m been back with her through my illness and treatment). Where we got to was that I should trust myself to bring this up with my new friend at the right time in the right way. The right time is before either of us can get hurt. The right way is with sensitivity and respect.
Let’s see how things develop. She’s lovely and I look forward to seeing her again. But the cane marks from my intense session wirh Miss H will still be there, a gentle reminder that I’ve only let her meet part of me so far.
More Sunday Sin here:
This is tricky.
One of the reasons I always mentioned my blog on my dating profile was to avoid this but I think that might be easier for a woman than a man to do as I suspect it might put a lot of women off connecting.
I think the key is to maybe drip feed some general hints and see how that goes and like others have said, don’t leave it too long that so anyone involved gets hurt.
Molly
You should listen to the Savage Love podcast by Dan Savage, and read his books and columns, etc. He gives sex advice and has been doing so for over 20 years. He gets these questions a lot – “how to I meet a kinky partner? How do I convert my current partner into my kinks? When to roll out my kinks to a new partner?”
There is no one answer, and often no good answer, but here’s my take, based on what he’s said. It’s best to continue looking in the “already kinky” pool. Go to events, go to munches, meet people. Keep showing up, be polite, and respectful, and volunteer and help out when you can. People will see that, and People know people. Talk to everyone, women and men, potential partners or not. Maybe one will know someone and recommend you. Keep trying, and realize it might take some time.
Roll out your kink to your new friend in two or three months. Soon enough so that she knows you more than just a bit, but not so soon that you scare her off. Don’t wait too long so that you both get emotionally invested, that’s not fair to her. When you do roll it out, make it a fun thing that adds to you, not a dread disease. She gets to do this with you, not has to bear it as an awful thing. She may still run, but that’s fine, she wasn’t right for you. And you weren’t right for her. Also, you can tell her that she doesn’t have to participate and you can still be friends and do things together outside of kink, but that part of you is something you need and can do away from her. She might go for that, if you’re good together otherwise, but that’s up to her.
Definitely don’t deny this part of yourself. It will win. Don’t get into a relationship and keep this a secret. That’s a recipe for a disaster and not a nice thing to do. You have a chance for a reset, take it.
I totally identify with this. I am a mature (and as you say not old) trans woman who has taken years to come to a place of comfort with being both trans and with my kink side and have recently been trying to merge the two. Having been owned for seven years and recently released any new relationship needs to be integrated….it is possible. A close friend of mine recently met a partner on a dating app and they have found they are totally compatible in their kink life even though there was no inkling of it on their dating site profiles.
I wish you well and good luck. Also on fetlife and recently followed you on bluesky. Ems
Wonderful, and insightful, as always … and I can understand your concern(s).
I do think that where you got to with the therapist is the right one … which I also realise is easier to know, than to actually proceed with. But …. best wishes !!!
I do hope the outcome will be satisfactory … for you both.
Xxx – K