I hope my head will be in the right place for this next session. It certainly bloody needs to be.
How I come out of a session very much depends on how I go into it; the experience can be cathartic and life affirming if I start from the right place, or negative and self-harming if I don’t. Only very rarely have a found myself down after a session but it has happened.
Under this post I repeat some earlier thoughts on this as they seem very relevant to me just now.
I hope my head will be in the right place for this next session.
On the one hand, I’m currently finding myself with the glums a lot of the time. My wife, who has been with me for 20 years, has announced she no longer has any feelings for me and wants us to separate. There’s another man in the mix somewhere. I can’t sleep and sometimes feel in a downwards spiral with the mess of it all. It’s hard to avoid the conclusion that my kinks and the increasing amount of my attention they absorb, have contributed to this though, in truth, ours has rarely been a whole-hearted relationship on either side. I occasionally catch myself looking at my life and feeling I’ve screwed it all up royally. A beating is the last thing I need right now; it will feel more like punishment than sex and will probably only deepen my feeling of being lost and out of control.
On the other hand, this session is a natural progression in the deepening exploration of my lifelong masochism. In this case Elita and I will both play a submissive role to her man in a heavy CP scene and I shall witness her punishment before she witnesses mine. Last time we played these games, the experience was incredibly intense, carving out the sort of memories that could last a lifetime. I became Elita’s play partner as well as her client, part of a hot three-way scene with her and her man. Afterward I felt revitalised and invigorated for weeks; strong and full of self-confidence. A beating is exactly what I need right now; it will bring clarity, let me centre myself, and help me deal with all the messy complexity in my life.
So, I really do hope my head will be in the right place for this next session.
I guess I won’t really know until the first stroke lands, its pain grabbing hold of my emotions and pushing them either up or down. The rest of the session could lead to an ecstatic outburst of cathartic release that I will joyously share with my Mistress, the two of us as high as kites on what we have been through together. Alternatively, the rest of the session might feel like self abuse, as I ignore Elita and soak up the pain only because I deserve it, or, worse still, bail out early, lacking the commitment and self esteem that it will take to get to the end. To do so would leave me heaping scorn on myself for weeks.
You could reasonably ask why this particular session, coming up later this week, is the one that has me worried about these things. Well, it’s a thirty stroke judicial caning for each of us, that’s why. And that’s a lot. That really is a lot.
But I think I’m going to be ready for it, I really do.
I certainly bloody need to be.
This is what my earlier post had to say about being up or being down before a session:
If I’m UP, pain is a challenge to be overcome, a barrier to be broken through, a mountain to climb. Overcoming that challenge feels like winning with all the psychological and motivational benefits that come from any kind of winning.
If I’m UP, the Mistress is my partner in a feast of sensations and emotions. Her kinks and mine interleave seamlessly. Both of us take what we want from the session, leaving it fulfilled and knowing more about each other.
If I’m UP, the pain clears my mind, leaving it uncluttered and calm, ready for whatever happens next. I feel positive about myself and my life; glad to have had the opportunity to experience these extreme physical/emotional challenges and to overcome them.
If I’m UP, my masochism is sexual, sensual. Its part of me and I relish it.
If I’m DOWN, pain is punishment not reward and I take no pleasure in it.
If I’m DOWN, I’m not really masochistic at all. Rather I’m a sadist whose victim is myself and I want to hurt my victim, make him suffer, hit him (or have him hit) harder and harder.
If I’m DOWN, the Mistress is just the instrument I use to inflict pain on myself. I want her to be cold and unconnected and I don’t care whether she enjoys it or not.
If I’m DOWN, I leave feeling more depressed than I arrived, hating myself for giving in to this weakness. I might be down for weeks.
If I’m DOWN, my masochism is self harm. It’s dark and I hate it.