In the end, submitting to Mistress Darcy, which I had expressed concern about before the session, seemed such a natural act that she had me within ten minutes of meeting her. The combination of writing down my feelings about the act of submission, the long build up to our session and her own strong presence in the room all contributed to me reaching a properly submissive state of mind. I felt I managed to let my inhibitions go and I hope she felt the same.
In a long and, at times, demanding session the element that had most impact (in more ways than one) was a scene with a bullwhip, a more or less new implement to me. A bullwhip is a fearsome weapon capable of causing real injury, deep flesh wounds, and immense pain. It is easy to find ‘laws of physics’ explanations of why it is so dangerous. The key to its power is the concentration of all the force imparted into the whip by the person using it into the very few inches at its end in the moment immediately before impact. This causes the impact to take place at immense speed.
To allow someone to use a bullwhip on you is a decision not to be taken lightly, especially when you haven’t played together before. However I was confident that Mistress Darcy would know what she was doing. Not though, so confident that my pulse didn’t start racing as soon as she picked the whip up and cracked it a few times. Here is how it felt to be on the receiving end of Mistress Darcy’s bullwhip:
Leather cuffs on my hands are padlocked to the collar round my neck. I am positioned against a wall, weight on my hands. For what seems like a long time Mistress Darcy has been flogging me with great skill and precision and with gradually increasing intensity, both on my back and my backside. She has been using two whips, one with heavy thuddy tails, the other lighter but with more bite. I am starting to feel floaty as my body reacts to what she is doing by releasing endorphins, the masochist’s drug of choice. Darcy asks me if I ate this morning and how I am feeling. Having once almost passed out in just such a session I understand and appreciate the care behind this question. She feeds me a couple of soft sugary dates for energy. She has me utterly in her power, the bond between us as much about trust as about domination and submission.
The sharp crack of the bullwhip pulls me out of my endorphin induced reverie and I am instantly wide awake, pulse racing, breathing fast as adrenaline takes over control of my responses. I can almost feel it in my veins. She lines herself up moving the whip constantly, swishing it so close to my backside I can feel the air move, then “Crack”; a line of fire, its effect instant. Sometimes with a cane you can hear its impact a second before the pain hits you but this is immediate; the impact point seems hot-wired to my brain. And so it begins; swish, swish, swish, crack, swish, crack, swish, swish, swish, CRACK, harder this time the fire going deeper below the surface, making me gasp in shock. As she goes on I feel myself adapting to these new sensations, relaxing, accepting the pain, totally absorbed by it. I gain control of my reactions as the fear fades. By the time she finishes I am back in the floaty endorphin induced subspace, feeling pleased with myself for having mastered something so new and frightening.
Only this is Mistress Darcy, whose reputation did not arise by accident and she hasn’t finished. She hasn’t finished at all.
She turns me round, now back to the wall, hands still padlocked to the collar. She backs up, still holding the whip. “Whatever you do, don’t move,” she says as she starts swishing the whip back and forth in front of my balls and penis.
To understand how I feel at this point you have to know that being hit on the balls or the penis has been a hard limit for me since a bad session with an inexperienced mistress very early in my BDSM career. I know what the bullwhip felt like on my backside and don’t want it within a mile of my testicles. Yet despite all this I stand there, trying not to hyperventilate as the whip moves the air around my balls backwards and forwards.
Trust. Deep trust. The type of trust that is hard to explain to anyone that hasn’t handed themselves over to a mistress and truly let themselves go. In reality I know nothing of this woman and have been in her company not much more than an hour. Yet I am hers. This, I think, is the essence of real submission and in this session, with this mistress I have taken that step.
I am, though, truly terrified. Frozen with fear. The whip moves backwards and forwards sometime closer, sometimes further away. When it’s very close I can feel a wash of cold air as it passes, surely only millimetres away from impact. Every time this happens I breath in sharply and my heart pounds almost as if she had actually hit me.
She lets the whip make contact with my testicles just three times. Yes, it hurts and makes me jump but the pain is manageable, and in comparison with the fear of the pain, not a huge thing. For I realise this is not, to dip into the BDSM lexicon, ‘pain play’ in the way that using the whip on my backside was pain play. This is ‘fear play’. My fear, not my pain is what Darcy is striving for and so accurately creating. Once again she is quite deliberately using the chemicals in my body to control my feelings and my responses to what she is doing, this time replacing the endorphins of pain with the adrenaline of fear. When she finishes I feel stimulated and aroused.
One of the things I most love about BDSM is that after over 20 years of exploration it can still show me new things, bring me new sensations and take me to new physical and emotional places. This session certainly did all those things and I shall remember Darcy’s bullwhip swishing backwards and forwards in front of my testicles for a long time, shuddering a bit whenever I recall it.
Fear play from Wikipedia: Fear play is any sexual activity involving the use of fear to create sexual arousal. Unlike masochistic tendencies, fear play does not offer the subject pleasure or arousal through a rush of endorphins, but rather a terrified mental state which triggers a release of adrenaline. Some have likened its role to that of horror movies, in providing a harmless outlet in which to feel frightened.