For closet kinks, those with an outwardly vanilla life, who tend to their kinks through sessions with professional service providers, discovery is the biggest fear. How, after all, could one possibly explain the need, the motivation, the lies, and the deception to a spouse or family?
This rather wonderful post, that Mistress Elita has very kindly allowed me to reproduce from her blog, addresses that very question. (Her blog, by the way, is highly recommended reading for all kink-interested folk). In writing to the wife of a client who has been ‘found out’ she also says a great deal about the nature of the client/service-provider relationship and what it means to each party. I find her thoughts touching, human, beautifully expressed and very much true to my own experience. I think for those among my blog readers who are not familiar with this world, it will show sex workers as the intelligent, articulate and thoughtful people that I have found them to be.
Dear Mrs. Client…
I have been pondering on whether to write this post for quite some time, but recent happenings have pushed the issue to the front of my mind and I now feel quite compelled to do so.
About a month ago, a client I have been seeing for a number of years came to me and told me that his wife had discovered something that he had left in his bag, leading her to find out about me and our interaction. It is a situation that I have always feared but now that it has happened, I find myself wishing to say so many things to her. Since the likelihood of us ever meeting (or even talking) is slim to none, I thought I would write her a letter here; probably one that she will never read, but one that might help me express my own feelings on a subject that is complicated and often awkward for a sex worker to confront:
Dear Mrs. Client,
You don’t know me, but I know your husband. He visits me to explore a side of himself that has likely been with him since childhood or early adolescence; one that might be difficult for him to discuss with you. Or perhaps you do know about it, but it’s not your thing? Either way, his interaction with me is absolutely, categorically not because of any ‘failings’ on your part.
Of course, anything I say here will be looked on with a great deal of scrutiny; after all, I’m biased. If it weren’t for married men who look to professionals like me to help them connect with this part of themselves, I would likely be out of a job. But still, I am a real person with real feelings and knowing that my interaction with your husband may potentially be hurtful to you is a great source of melancholy for me. Here’s the thing; I know your husband loves you. I know that he cares for you a great deal and I would even go so far as to say that his sessions with me help to keep a good balance in your relationship. If he is exploring this side of himself with me, he is acknowledging that he is entering a very boundaried relationship that will never encroach on your marriage because it is transactional in nature. I will never ask him to leave you and will do anything in my power to support your relationship. In seeking out a professional as opposed to having an affair, he is not trying to find someone to replace you but instead, entering into an arrangement that can co-exist peacefully alongside your marriage.
Having a fetish; being kinky, is not always easy. Speaking from personal experience, though I have been fortunate enough to be able to embrace the various facets of my sexuality as an adult, I grew up thinking that there was something very wrong with me. We live in a society that makes sex a thing to be ashamed of and this is reinforced all the way through childhood and puberty. This can be difficult, even for those with comparatively ‘vanilla’ tastes, let alone those who happen to like things that don’t fit in with normative expectations. I have always felt strongly that being kinky is as much a part of my sexuality as being straight, gay or anything in between. I cannot change it or take it away; it is simply part of who I am. It is likely that this is also the case for your husband, which means that he has the choice between potentially burdening the person he loves with the task of partaking in sexual activities that she is not comfortable with, or trying to suppress that side of himself entirely. I can promise you, neither option will be good for your husband, for you, or for your marriage. I would even go further and say that attempting to banish an important part of a person’s sexuality can be a rather dangerous (and ultimately futile) endeavour.
We live in a world where monogamy is expected, and any deviation from it is looked upon very harshly. Particularly for women, girlfriends, wives; we are bombarded with trash media that constantly tells us to look out for signs that our partner is being ‘unfaithful’ (that word is one that I despise in this context, but I will save that for another day), and to ditch him immediately if he is. The truth is, we all have a vast ocean of different needs and expecting one person to be able to fulfill every single one of them is, perhaps, a little unrealistic.
And so, here I am. I will play out your husband’s fantasy in a safe and controlled way, allowing him to express this side of himself. I will support him, never ask anything emotionally of him and try never to disrupt your marriage. In return, he will pay my fee. Though there may well be a care for each other; even a friendship of sorts, your husband and I will never be in a relationship like the one that you have with him.
I have the greatest of respect for you as his wife and please know; I am on your side. I have no desire to break up a marriage and I have my own partner to love and cherish. The fact that your husband has seen me (or continues to see me) is not a bad reflection on your relationship; in fact, probably quite the opposite. I am truly sorry if I cause you even a moment’s anguish, but that is not, and never will be, my intention.
I hope that you will not shame your husband for being kinky and I also hope that, indeed, you are able to explore that side of yourself as well; whether it be within your marriage or not. Please try not to see me as a threat, nor your enemy. Your marriage is safe with me.