My first posts went up just three months ago. Blogging was always something I intended to try for a while, largely to allow my kinky self out a bit more often, and then review. The extra risks that come from having the blog (and indeed the twitter account) mean that I can only justify them if there are enough positives. So how do I feel after these three months?
THE GOOD
- The blog has allowed me to enjoy my kinky side at other times than my once a month paid for sessions
- I have enjoyed talking openly about feelings that have been buried and unexpressed for a lifetime. People who know me would find this opening up almost more surprising than the kinky desires
- I feel I have discovered a voice as an introspective kinky male who sees sex workers. That is, I believe, a more or less new voice in sex blogging
- I am stimulated by the idea that I have this secret, alternative persona who inhabits a dark, kinky underworld
- I have met some wonderfully kinky, kind, warm hearted, interesting people and have really enjoyed interacting with them on twitter and the blog
- I have enjoyed the creative act of writing itself, though I have also had to face up to my limitations
THE DISAPPOINTING OR CONCERNING
- My balance has swung too far – I think about kink all the time and that is starting to impact my day to day
- I have introduced another set of lies I have to tell people that matter to me (Me? I’m just doing some email!)
- I have written a blog about a real session with a sex worker while watching TV with my wife – am I really that person? I hope not
- When I stand back and look at myself it sometimes just feels ‘wrong’ that someone ‘like me’ should have a blog focussed on sadomasochistic sex. It is SO far removed from the person others see. It makes me uncomfortable.
- In part I wanted the twitter account and the blog to be an interaction with the professional sex workers I see. I have found these folk generally want to keep client interaction outside of the session to the level of “are you available on any of the following dates?” There has been one rather wonderful exception to this generalisation.
- The blog interacts with the session itself: I find myself thinking: “if I asked her to do xxxx would that make a good blog?” I am not sure this is a good thing.
SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I have seriously considered closing down the blog and the twitter account. I have found throughout my life that doing things that cause me to dislike myself is destructive. Sometimes the blog has that effect. I may yet do that but I am going to let it run, for a while longer at least. I have, however made a few resolutions:
- I will keep it more separate, limiting twitter and the blog to when I am away from home or alone at home.
- I will not look at, or write on twitter or the blog when family members are in the room. I hate myself for doing this.
- I will look at what additional security measures I can take
Most importantly, I have resolved that, while I can rationalise my need to pay for BDSM sessions, if the blog ultimately makes me dislike myself I will close it down.
FOR THE BLOG STAT GEEKS
- The blog has 30 posts and 4 pages
- It has had 4,600 page views in 3 months, 2,100 of which were in March
- The most page views in a day is 126
- The most viewed post by a very long way is Threesome Heaven. This exceptionally kinky (even for me) post has had over 800 views, aided by being on elust. Perhaps I should organise another three way session!
- People have followed links to sex works mentioned in my posts more than 70 times
I think we all go through stages of denial “oh I won’t think about it and it might go away” and stop whatever might be troubling us…but with kink it does ebb and flow..one minute all consuming and another just barely registering.
I have on occasions tried abstaining but the call of a bit of naughty fun usually finds it way back it’s just learning a way of fitting it in that works ,hopefully without upsetting the running of every day life.
Life’s complicated enough huh?
J.
Oh no – that is SO disappointing! I hope you don’t mind but I feel I owe it to the BDSM blogosphere to try my best to talk you out of this dreadful decision!
Although I can certainly relate to some, if not all, of your concerns, I must take umbrage with the statement that this blog is “far removed from the person others see”. I don’t know about you, but I have never seen anyone roaming around in a gimp suit, or a chastity belt… and even people with completely “normal” sex lives generally keep their sexual practices to themselves, don’t they? It’s true that when I’m waiting for my son outside his kindergarten, I sometimes feel a little ashamed to think of the things I’ve done behind closed doors… but it’s not like the other mothers are all virgins, after all! And I’m sure more people than you think are dabbling in strange and kinky (and sometimes probably even downright illegal) activities! In fact, I think the thing I love most about sex (any kind of sex), is getting to see a side of someone which no-one else sees (well, except for all their other lovers!).
Certainly, I have also suffered from the same problems of wasting too much time thinking about sex, allowing the blog to influence what I do, and having to hide it from everyone I know. But don’t you find that it also helps you to analyse and understand your thoughts, to figure out what you really like and want, and ultimately to feel happier and more confident about yourself, and who you are?
I suppose one major difference between us is that I’m very unhappy with my family situation, so this blog helps me escape from that, if only in my mind. In your case, I’m sure that if you can manage to keep the two separate, as you propose, you won’t feel that one is wrongly intruding upon the other. One can but hope…
Good luck!!
Hi
Thank you for such a thoughtful post. I am not planning to bin the blog, just to be careful with it and try and keep that balance I talked about. Don’t forget I have 30, well 40 really years of keeping my kinky thoughts in the closet and just three months of talking about it. I think it is bound to take me a while to adjust. I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that kink is anything for anyone to be ashamed about: with me when I feel shame is when I am with people I love and who are important to me but am not properly WITH them because my thoughts are somewhere else, with someone else. That is where guilt comes in. That and the lies. I hate the lies.
Anyway thank you so much for reading and commenting. Let’s stay in touch.
BibulousOne