My first posts went up just three months ago. Blogging was always something I intended to try for a while, largely to allow my kinky self out a bit more often, and then review. The extra risks that come from having the blog (and indeed the twitter account) mean that I can only justify them if there are enough positives. So how do I feel after these three months?
- The blog has allowed me to enjoy my kinky side at other times than my once a month paid for sessions
- I have enjoyed talking openly about feelings that have been buried and unexpressed for a lifetime. People who know me would find this opening up almost more surprising than the kinky desires
- I feel I have discovered a voice as an introspective kinky male who sees sex workers. That is, I believe, a more or less new voice in sex blogging
- I am stimulated by the idea that I have this secret, alternative persona who inhabits a dark, kinky underworld
- I have met some wonderfully kinky, kind, warm hearted, interesting people and have really enjoyed interacting with them on twitter and the blog
- I have enjoyed the creative act of writing itself, though I have also had to face up to my limitations
THE DISAPPOINTING OR CONCERNING
- My balance has swung too far – I think about kink all the time and that is starting to impact my day to day
- I have introduced another set of lies I have to tell people that matter to me (Me? I’m just doing some email!)
- I have written a blog about a real session with a sex worker while watching TV with my wife – am I really that person? I hope not
- When I stand back and look at myself it sometimes just feels ‘wrong’ that someone ‘like me’ should have a blog focussed on sadomasochistic sex. It is SO far removed from the person others see. It makes me uncomfortable.
- In part I wanted the twitter account and the blog to be an interaction with the professional sex workers I see. I have found these folk generally want to keep client interaction outside of the session to the level of “are you available on any of the following dates?” There has been one rather wonderful exception to this generalisation.
- The blog interacts with the session itself: I find myself thinking: “if I asked her to do xxxx would that make a good blog?” I am not sure this is a good thing.
SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I have seriously considered closing down the blog and the twitter account. I have found throughout my life that doing things that cause me to dislike myself is destructive. Sometimes the blog has that effect. I may yet do that but I am going to let it run, for a while longer at least. I have, however made a few resolutions:
- I will keep it more separate, limiting twitter and the blog to when I am away from home or alone at home.
- I will not look at, or write on twitter or the blog when family members are in the room. I hate myself for doing this.
- I will look at what additional security measures I can take
Most importantly, I have resolved that, while I can rationalise my need to pay for BDSM sessions, if the blog ultimately makes me dislike myself I will close it down.
FOR THE BLOG STAT GEEKS
- The blog has 30 posts and 4 pages
- It has had 4,600 page views in 3 months, 2,100 of which were in March
- The most page views in a day is 126
- The most viewed post by a very long way is Threesome Heaven. This exceptionally kinky (even for me) post has had over 800 views, aided by being on elust. Perhaps I should organise another three way session!
- People have followed links to sex works mentioned in my posts more than 70 times