I didn’t really want to write this post. Sounding: having specially designed rods pushed into your penis as part of a BDSM session, is my hardest of hard limits. Its the first thing on the (fairly short) list of things I tell a new Mistress I WILL NOT tolerate and IS NOT TO BE INCLUDED in our session. There is a reason why this is so.
I hesitate to write this for two reasons: Firstly, it describes a frightening and unpleasant experience that I have no particular desire to recall in detail; secondly, sounding is a well established BDSM practise that meets the Safe, Sane and Consensual criteria and which undoubtedly gives many practitioners great pleasure. I don’t want to put people off just because it went wrong for me!
I was meeting this particular Mistress for the first time and the usual preliminaries about desires and limits had been exchanged. Regardless of how comprehensive the pre-session communications might have seemed, seeing a Mistress for the first time is a nerve-wracking experience. Essentially, I had asked a complete stranger to tie my up and hurt me. Not all possible outcomes to that situation are going to be benign!
She had made me lay down on the floor of her chamber and had locked my hands to a neck collar, denying me the ability to protect myself, while she worked on my nipples. So far, so good (Really! My on switch is located in my nipples).
She had then used a shortish leather tailed flogger on my chest and across my stomach and thighs. This should have been OK but the flogger had heavy leather tails with a square, bitey cross section and this was an unusual place to be whipped. I started to have a frisson of concern that I had found myself in the hands of a true sadist. Someone hurting a new client this much, just ten minutes into a one hour ‘introductory’ session, might be intending to go places I didn’t want to go. (In fact the marks on my chest, which were very difficult to hide, lasted a week)
Then she pulled out a smooth wooden stick, not unlike a chopstick, rounded at the end and maybe 3/8th of an inch in diameter.
And she inserted it into my urethra.
And it hurt.
And it hurt more when she massaged my penis down onto it, squashing it around the stick.
To understand my mindset as this happened, as I let this happen, you have to remember that I am a masochist. For me pain and pleasure are not opposite ends of a spectrum of sensation, as they might be for others, but are close neighbours and frequently interchangeable. However, not all pain can be eroticised. I hate a toothache just as much as the next person. I was feeling the stick in my penis as non-eroticisable, real-life pain and I wanted none of it. I knew I wanted none of it from the very moment it first made contact with the end of my penis. Yet I let her carry on. Why?
I didn’t want to seem a wimp with a new Mistress.
I knew others liked this, so thought I might eventually come round to it.
I wanted to find out (was terrified to find out) what someone this vicious might do with a cane later in the session.
Whatever my thinking at the time, and I have only a hazy memory of it, I let her carry on until her squeezing released a stabbing pain deep inside my penis that I knew immediately was JUST PLAIN WRONG. I cried out and begged her to stop and remove the stick, which she did, though the pain only partially disappeared.
I stood up too fast, shocked and disorientated by the pain, hands still padlocked to my neck. I staggered into the wall and slipped down it, feeling feint, back on to the floor. I never lost consciousness but I remember feeling clammy and sick and close to slipping under. The Mistress was now all solicitous, offering me water, suggesting perhaps I had become a bit frightened (!), staying with me while I dressed. I left as soon as I felt I could drive safely.
For two days peeing was agony and there was blood in my urine.
I was terrified that some real damage had been done and could think of little else.
Just as I had decided I needed to see a doctor it started to clear up and things returned to normal over a couple of days.
But I can imagine no situation, ever, with any Mistress, however deep our relationship, however much I trust her, where I am going to allow anything , however small and innocuous to be inserted into my penis. It is truly the hardest of hard limits.
Some may feel I should have made more of this, called her out. But I didn’t. She was, still is, an experienced Mistress of long standing who’s reviews, perhaps from stronger masochists than I, speak of her skills. I mentally labelled it ‘a session that went wrong’ and moved on. But I am now even more careful how I describe my experience, my desires and my limits to a new Mistress. In this world I inhabit, one client’s kink is another’s torture and I try carefully to lay out where the boundaries lie for me.
But seeing a new Mistress is still a scary thing to do.
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