I posted recently about how, when I’m between sessions and needy, my masochism can feel like a dark obsession. It can be quite alarming. Occasionally though, my masochistic responses during a session seem to come from that same dark place and I feel completely taken over by it.
At such times my masochism is all that I am.
The first time this happened I was strapped to a chair and the mistress was squeezing and biting my nipples. She was very good at it. The sensations were so intense that. at one point, she had me straining against the straps, back arched, every muscle tight.
Not because she was hurting me but because she had stopped doing so.
The desperation for her to bite me again was tangible and all-enveloping. If I hadn’t been gagged I’d have begged her to clamp her teeth onto my nipples again.
I recently went to see Mistress Elita for what I expected to be half an hour or so of sensual domination and a chat over cup of tea. For a short session it was packed with diverse elements, some painful, some pleasurable, some both. But one element was profoundly shocking, or at least my reaction to it was.
As often in our sessions the pain had built in layers until, with my balls tied tight, electricity coursing through my cock, and the harshest of nipple clips biting into my chest, I was reaching a limit. Dealing with the pain was helped at this point by Elita leaving the bed to play Brahms on the piano. The contrast between the severe sensations and the soothing music was strange and rather beautiful. I reached a calm place, where the pain was still very much there but felt somehow in balance with the other things my brain was processing: the music, the sight of Elita at the piano.
The calm turned out to be short lived and illusory. Elita jumped on the bed put her hands over my throat and leaned on it until I couldn’t breathe. She has only done this to me once before and staying calm is an exercise in absolute, unconditional trust. Just as I started to feel panicky she took the pressure off and slapped me quite hard across the face, maybe twice of three times. Then she hurt me – hurt me on top of the constant pain that was already there. Just when the new pain was becoming too much, it stopped and, almost before I had taken a good breath, her hands were back on my throat. It became a cycle: pain, strangulation, slapping, pain, strangulation, slapping. I have no idea how many times we went round this cycle; twice, ten a hundred? No idea.
Normally in a harsh session 10% of my consciousness is not really participating. It’s observing the rest of me, measuring my reactions and asking if I’ve had enough. It’s been there in almost every session. Now, though, I was 110% present in this cycle of pain and fear; all that I am was locked, face to face in the exchange of power with Elita. I felt myself slipping deeper and deeper into submission, into a black place where the pain she was feeding me in great spoonfuls was everything.
But it wasn’t enough. I wanted to go deeper still. I wanted to shout “bitch, bitch, bitch” in her face to provoke the reaction I looked for; for her to slap me harder, hurt me more, strangle me closer to the very edge of unconsciousness.
Fuck
It’s taken me nearly a week to get this down; to come to grips with how really desperate I was for her to push me all the way under in what would surely be the ultimate expression of her dominance and my submission.
She didn’t of course. She’s a professional and understands the duty of care that demands the Dominatrix protect the submissive.
She also understands, as I now do, that in some situations what the submissive most needs to be protected from is himself.
There are many articles on the physiology of erotic strangulation and, importantly, many articles on how dangerous it can be. This is a truly a case of DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
“The carotid arteries (on either side of the neck) carry oxygen-rich blood from the heart to the brain. When these are compressed, as in strangulation or hanging, the sudden loss of oxygen to the brain and the accumulation of carbon dioxide can increase feelings of giddiness, lightheadedness, and pleasure, all of which will heighten masturbatory sensations.”
Wikipedia overview of erotic asphyxiation: here
John Hopkins (Famous US Medical School) on the dangers: here
When I was reading it, the thought of EVER letting anyone no matter who they are, or how much I trust them restrict my breathing in any way, shape, or form, or even merely feel like it is is a HARD limit, and is one of the hardest. It gives me anxiety, and distress even thinking about it, and something I could never see my myself consenting to. I’ve had a phobia of all forms of suffocation my whole life, and I’m not willing to over come, or break the Phobia/Hard Limit, nor will I ever. My question is this: Does this mean I have trust issues? Does that mean that I will magically be into it, or at least be okay with it when I do get to that level of trust, and that if I am still not okay with it, it is because I don’t trust my partner enough? Does that make me Sex-Negative, and just a Bland, Plain, Old Medicore Vanilla Prude no one will want to be with long term?
I have definitely had moments where I have craved more and he has stopped things because my judgement has been clouded by what is happening and as you so perfectly said, sometimes the Doms job is protect the sub from themselves
Mollyx
I find myself drawn more and more into your experiences, the depth and sheer passion, at times you scare me with your writing but you always draw me into watching to read and know more and more behind the man I met. We all have many faces, faces we show our families, faces we show our work colleagues, faces we show in strength, faces we show in weakness, but we very very rarely show our true faces which is what you are doing above x
I like the idea of the pain and the soothing music combined. I also understand the need for more.
Oh my, I really recognize that I sometimes need more more more but that afterwards I understand that Master T was the sensible one not to give me what I craved as it would have been unsafe…
Rebel xox
Wow, so powerful. As a masochist who has only recently realised she was a masochist, I found this resonating. There’s been several times already where I was ready for more and more and more and the Dom has had to stop things for me. It’s scary, that intense need for pain. I’m so thankful that the people I’ve played with have looked after me because my own judgement can so easily go out of the window when I’m deep in that craving to be hurt all the more.