A life in three tweets.
Well, not a life exactly, but important elements of it. Also a summation of what has been in my head since I spent a whole night in a kinky dungeon B&B with the completely lovely Lilly Watson before Christmas; feelings and thoughts which were amplified by hot BDSM play with her and Mistress Elita this week. Coming down after that much intensity is sometimes hard and my emotions can get scrambled for a day or two. Writing helps.
I was trying to force the feelings I had been left with into their proper place, when I spotted that Lilly had added two re-tweets and a video to her twitter timeline which seemed to exactly chime with my thoughts.
Tweet 1. How it feels to be with Lilly.
— Archillect (@archillect) January 12, 2018
The intimacy: the touching and kissing; the little glances followed by a soft smile when our eyes meet over our champagne; the way her hand just slips into mine as if it were coming home. It’s all so far away from any part of my day to day life, any part of the last 40 years, that I barely know how to react. The last time a woman wanted to treat me this way, I didn’t respond because I wasn’t sure I wanted a relationship with her. Over twenty years later, she has understandably given up waiting for me to decide and is leaving me.
Is this what having a real girlfriend would be like? What I pay to have for two hours at a time, would I have that more often with a girlfriend? What a daft question to be asking as I approach my 60th birthday. Or a sad question perhaps as one is meant to have experienced these things earlier in life. I do remember a girl at University; God, I loved her. It wasn’t really returned so I experienced the same sweet torture I feel now, though this is both better and worse; the time together more lush, the time apart more of a desert.
Tweet 2. The reality of being with Lilly.
Lilly, retweeted this image, I suspect for Bardot’s dress, very much her thing.
OK, I’m being hard on myself here, Picasso is 75 in this image and Bardot is 22; Lilly and I are practically of an age in comparison! I found myself wondering if this image represents how Lilly feels when she is with me; I surely hope not but that can only be a matter of degree!
Lilly is a sex worker. She offers me intimacy and affection and I, without regret, pay her to do so. I’ve never really experienced these things before. In truth, there have been times in my life when they were offered but I’ve usually found myself unable to return them. I still don’t fully understand why.
After a lifetime of not realising what I was missing, the temptation is to completely immerse myself and I suspect that, if I had the resources, I’d want to see Lilly every week, have her stay overnight, cook her meals and go to shows; not because I expect this to be more than what it is but because the intimacy is completely intoxicating. It’s like a drug and, as with all drugs, normality can seem flat and dull by comparison.
Tweet 3: The way forward.
Chocolate box striptease 🎀 I really savour my gifts!
🎁 https://t.co/avKYgHYozm pic.twitter.com/FPpHwVIS6H
— misslillywatson.com 💋🍸🦪🦞🍾📸☎️👑🌺🦩🍑🧤👠🗝️ (@MissLillyWatson) January 12, 2018
I bought the chocolates for her before our session with Elita and I may have watched her little video more than once. Why then does this indicate the way forward? I think because it’s a typical and entirely appropriate gift from a client to a sex worker, crystalizing the reality of what this is, with all the boundaries, limitations and rules that implies.
I was Lilly’s first client and she still carries the champagne cork from that session in her bag of toys; we play BDSM games together that, for the most part, she doesn’t play with other people and, in these ways, our relationship is special. But, because she is very good at her job and, in her kind and giving nature, perfectly suited to it, her relationships with other clients will be special too. I know this to be true. A twitter friend recently had a first session with Lilly, having become aware of her through my blog. He contacted me afterwards, just as affected by his time with her, just as full of longing for their next meeting. He too sounded just a little bit in love with her.
In the short time she’s been doing this, Lilly has captured the quintessential essence of good sex work: she makes us all feel special, makes us all want to keep a special place for her in our hearts and makes us all want to believe that she holds a special place for us in hers.
Lilly has shown me how much I need what she brings to our time together: the physical expression of strongly held emotions, the intimacy, the connection. And, eventually, I will need to share these things with someone who I don’t have to pay by the hour. But perhaps not just yet. Because this is good. In fact, it’s absolutely delicious. And I’m still learning from it, from her: learning about intimacy, learning how to show affection, learning how to express my feelings.
So, if she’ll have me, I plan to carry on booking sessions with Lilly for a while longer and immerse myself, for the few hours we are together, in all the wonderful things she offers.
And if, as she did last time we parted, she leans into me for one last, last kiss, I’ll take it from her and wrap it tightly around myself, hoping it will keep me going till I next ask for an appointment.
More wickedness here:
Very truly described and the honesty is beautiful, I feel a hint of sadness and yet a tinge of envy for the intense sensations and experiences you and Lilly have. Thanks for sharing.
I enjoyed your post immensely.
A powerful, and truthful post. I so admire your ability to reflect on and evaluate your relationship with Lilly. I say relationship, because of course that is what it is. Like you I have learned so much late in life, and with that comes the challenge of accepting what is and what might be. Thank you.
Your self awareness is a wonderful thing. You write with such honesty that it is refreshing to read. I understand your sadness of only discovering these things later in life but I also think that it is joyous and to be celebrated that you are learning and experiencing as I think so many people never do and that is definitely a sad thought
Mollyx
This is so beautiful: “she leans into me for one last, last kiss, I’ll take it from her and wrap it tightly around myself, hoping it will keep me going till I next ask for an appointment.”
In a way I am sad for you that you haven’t learn these things earlier in life, but like eye said, you should be thankful that you can learn it now. Lilly is a very special person.
Thanks for sharing your intimate thoughts with us.
Rebel xox
This is such a deep story. Thank-you for sharing. I want to know more about Lilly now. I’ll have to read more of your posts.
I love the searing honesty here, and self-awareness of where you are and where you are going. I’m looking forward to seeing how this develops. Godspeed on that journey.
I have to admit that I was a bit concerned that you might not see how you were feeling about Lilly and also that that might leave you vulnerable to being wounded. I understand now that you are learning valuable aspects of love and intimacy for the first time and that reassures me. We both have to face the fact that we didn’t learn these things when we were younger but also be grateful that we had the opportunity to learn it at all 💜
Yup. I understand all too well. Discovering emotion and its vulnerability after decades of following the rules and suppressing it, do kind of make you wonder what it was all for.
Beautifully written. Emotionally evocative.