By | 30th January 2018

The maudlin little tweet below is from a few days ago. I was home alone,  the day after an afternoon of spanky fun at Miss Hunter’s Slayers party that had been followed by a blissfully intimate and erotic couple of hours with the adorable Lilly Watson. I was coming down with a bump. At that moment, I was intently conscious of not wanting to be where I was, though without a sense of knowing where I did want to be.

I’m sure that sentence worked when I wrote it! Perhaps it still does.

“Something has to change”. Three twitter friends instantly agreed. “Yes!” they tweeted in unison. And they were probably right.

But must I really give up my one place of refuge from the gradual dismantling of a 20 year marriage; my place away from the ever more desperate attempts  to save my job and those of the twenty others depending on me? Can I no longer allow myself a place away from the stress, the not knowing what to do, the feeling that I have failed? Where else would I sit out the storm, if not in the unjudging embrace of a sex worker? How would I deal with it all without the beautiful clarity induced by my Mistress’s cane.

‪The uglier my situation becomes, the more important these snatched moments away from it seem.‬

If this campaign were a short skirmish: advance, engage with the enemy, retire; it might be different. Then I might set all else aside until it was done. But, job and family, these are wars of attrition; ‘three steps forwards, two steps backwards’ campaigns and, on both fronts, there’s another six months of this to come, more likely a year. That’s a long time to get up every morning, knowing that the day holds only a series of questions for which you have no answers.

In that situation, it becomes important, essential even, to plan some Rest and Recuperation, some time away from the battle to dress wounds, breathe deeply of clean air and to remember, for a while at least, that the fight is not all that you are.

I should ‘start dating’, I’m told, start to form the relationships that will be my new life. It sounds sensible, but last time I actively looked for a new relationship was 35 years ago. It worked; we married, but somehow that marriage ended and a new one began without me ever really working out who I wanted to be with. Right now, to “start dating” would feel like opening up a new battle, one for which I feel just as unprepared as for those I fight now. I need more simplicity in my life, not more complexity; I need more certainty, not more confusion.

It’s not perfect, what I do. The highs are too high, making the lows seem hard to bare. But I’ll take that in place of a life full only of battles.  So I will continue to see sex workers. I’ll be Bibulous One when I need to be, and enjoy the company of the wonderful people who inhabit the world in which he moves. I know it’s not permanent. I know that the more of this I experience, the harder it will be to stop.

I am aware of the emotional risks I take.

lilly smile

Lilly, radiant and lovely

But it can’t be so hard to understand why I would want to spend time with this smile, to have all the joy of it turned in my direction so that, if only for a moment, I can feel myself to be its cause.

And, if the price to be paid for that feeling is to find myself drinking Gin alone on a Friday evening, with only the memories of my last encounter for company, then I can live with that for now.


My thanks to Lilly for allowing me to use this wonderful image


  1. Wriggly Kitty

    Take all the time you need, for you. Whatever you do next, has to be for you. And everyone (including me right here and now) has advice. Ignore it all if it doesn’t work for you! These are not easy things you’re going through; please be gentle with yourself, and if that means gin on a Friday evening and spending time with Miss Lilly, then so be it xxx

  2. Kayla Lords

    The end of anything, especially a 20 year marriage, is a death of sorts and grieving (and all the crap that goes with ending a relationship) goes with it. Find pleasure where you can – including with a sex worker – while the rest sorts itself out. In my experience, getting through a divorce was something I survived, day by day, even when one day was less awful than another. I see nothing wrong with snatching those moments of pleasure just for yourself in a way that works for you and your life right now.

  3. Rebecca

    Change as frightening as it can be, means you can perhaps finally be the person you want to be openly. Maybe it is the fear of what is comfortable now even with the lack of love disappearing, but you are strong, what maybe the future holds will become your new norm. Better to have years of contentment and happiness ahead, that the bitterness of a marriage that has clearly come to the end, rejoice at what was and what will be. I wish you well, but the last thing you need is a new relationship and all its invariably problems and dare I say it comparisons?

    I am sorry we never got to meet, but I wish you well from the bottom of my heart x

  4. Marie Rebelle

    I have been in unhappy marriages twice before and it took me a lot of guts and trouble and even more unhappiness to take the step to get out of them. It’s damn scary to do it because you have no idea what awaits you down the line, but I can tell you, it made me stronger and eventually was a lot less scary than I thought it could be. In the end only you can make the changes. I agree with what the rest said: make changes to the parts of your life that make you unhappy. Life is too short to be unhappy most of the time. Wish I could give you a hug and tell you it’s all going to be okay.

    Rebel xox

  5. MariaSibylla

    I just popped in to say basically what Missy said above. When I read your original tweet and saw the replies of “Yes” I felt that these people were encouraging you to change not what brings you so much joy, but the parts that bring you so much disappointment. Obviously, change like that is difficult, monumentally so, and can move at what seems like a glacial pace. I’m happy you have a place here to talk about it freely as you make your way through. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are allowed pieces of life that are yours and yours alone and you needn’t feel guilty about that. It’s a difficult journey, but you are a kind and careful traveler. And will ultimately get to the place you want to be. All my best to you as you continue through. xxx

  6. Cousin Pons

    The life you live is far removed from mine but I am moved by what you have written. I can offer no advice but I hope everything turns out well for you. You are clearly a caring, loving and very thoughtful man. And I’m sure these attributes coupled with your intelligence will get you through.

  7. eye

    What Missy said. Plus, these difficult feelings can sometimes give us the impression that something wrong is happening. My view is though that this is all to be expected and that the feelings guide us to where we want to be which is mostly connected, loved and seen and valued for who we really are. xx

  8. Pete

    This is all very painfully familiar to me from 5 years ago in my life, the parallels are extremely close.

    I’ll drop you a mail young man.

    Stay strong


  9. Missy

    I didn’t see the ‘Yes’ replies as a ‘stop seeing sex workers’ but more of a start thinking where do you want to be and make moves towards that. It is great to have somewhere to forget everything else, but you also need people to be around where you can be yourself and relax. Whether that’s new friends, or relationships or different hobbies/past times.
    I’m sorry it’s so tough at the moment, but you will find a better place. Enjoy Lilly and others, you don’t need them as an excuse to keeping yourself hidden though.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *