IN PUBLIC – THE LAST WORD (sinful sunday)

Of course, it may not be exactly the last word about my pubic session with Mistress Elita in a hotel room at the Eroticon Sex Writer’s conference, but, amazing and complex though the experience was, I need to put it away now and move on.

I love this image. As Focused and Filthy, who photographed the session says below: “If you look closely the cane is deep into your flesh at this point and your shoulders and upper body is raised up in reflex of the pain.”

It was certainly intense. It was made up of things we have done before (this didn’t seem the time to experiment) but, just taken as a session with my Mistress, it was intimate, challenging and hot.

Yet, having the audience there added so many new and unexpected layers of intensity.

Before we started, I felt slightly detached from everyone, finding it difficult to hold a conversation through the adrenaline rushing in my ears.

“You nervous?” someone asked.

I think I just nodded.

I remember undoing my shirt and slipping me shoes off, wanting to be ready for her.

I remember handing my glass to a friend as Elita appeared through the back of the crowd, just before she pushed me against the wall and went for my nipples.

I was immediately 100% focused on her and the rivers of pain she was causing and yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, I was also acutely conscious of little reactions from the audience: a gasp of surprise to my right; a sudden deep breath of someone behind Elita who was finding it hot; a whispered comment to my left.

And then, after she had whipped my back as I lent against the wall, that moment; the defining moment of the whole experience; that moment when Elita turned me to face the audience.

As Elita herself said:

 I remember turning him around to face those he had invited, making myself small behind him so that it was only him that they could see.

I was so exposed; naked in so many different ways. She hurt me; she hurt me til I had nowhere to left to put all the pain and simply had to share it with the audience; I’d pick someone out, they were only three or four feet away, look into their eyes and send some of my pain to them, sharing it with them, forcing them to help me carry my load.

When Elita let the pressure off just a little, I’d find someone else’s eyes, wait for the next onslaught, and send some of my pain their way too.

MastersEye captured it:

 It was vulnerability, such vulnerability so proudly displayed and owned that it made me catch my breath.

And I did feel so vulnerable; letting them see my anguish, see how utterly defenceless I was, see how I lost control to the point where my knees buckled when it became too much.

But I also felt strong and confident; this was our world, mine and Elita’s; they were in our space and we demanded their attention, their absolute focus and concentration, only releasing them when we were good and ready to do so.

I’ve had some amazing experiences in this strange world, but that moment will stand out for a very long time. It was the moment I stood in front of people I knew and cared for and truly owned my kinks.

It was the moment I fully and unapologetically owned who and what I am.

It should be no surprise then, that from the five thousand or so words written about this event, these from Elita herself are my favourites; the words that most capture what this was for me.

This felt like it was about much more than me whipping him in front of an audience. This felt more like standing by his side whilst he stepped over a line, into a world where he no longer has to be ashamed of who he is, and what he likes. And I’m so excited for him to stay on this side of the line, with his friends standing with him.

I guess I just have to decide how to top that next year!!

 

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The photographs taken by Focussedandfilthy  including the one shown in this post, added so much to this event. She did a terrific job and wrote about the experience here.

There is other wonderful writing about how different people experienced the session. Look it up if you haven’t done so:

My own description is here

Elita’s wonderful piece is here

The Other Livvy wrote a wonderful piece about how it felt to see the fantasy of the Dominatrix brought to life. You can find it here.

19Syllables described how she felt complicit in the violence and yet drawn to it. You can find her writing here.

My friend MastersEye wrote beautifully about her experience as a witness. I published it here.

The very lovely Honey added a post here, an interesting perspective from one masochist watching another.

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More Sunday sin here: